Asked jokes

So an orphan was crying in a corner in the dark. Then a man came over and asked, "Why are you crying?"

Then said, "Do you want me to get your parents?"

A man walked into the kitchen and asked his blonde wife what she was doing. She said, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle. It's supposed to be a tiger, but all of the pieces are brown." Her husband then said, "Honey, those are frosted flakes."

The Chinese food owner always brings us free food. I ask my sister why he does that. My sister said, "Love him long time."

Do you know why boys can't ask girls out? Because they don't have any balls to ask girls out!

A patient visiting his doctor asked him if he had ever laughed at a patient.

The doctor said, "I have never in 25 years of practice ever laughed at a patient."

Reassured, the patient drops his trousers and underpants.

Immediately the doctor burst out into loud raucous laughter when he sees that the patient has a penis the size of a cocktail sausage.

After about 10 minutes the doctor manages to get himself under control.

Swiftly apologising he says to the patient, "Sorry about that. How can I help you?"

The patient says, "Have you got any cream for it? It's swollen."

Dumb person: Wat idk mean?

Person 1: I don’t know.

Dumb one: Oh u don’t know okie I ask Googol.

Person 1: Wait idk means--

Dumb one (to Googol): WAT DOS IDK MANNN?

Googol: I don’t know.

Dumb one: OH ME GOOOD EVEN GOGLO DOESYN KNOWWW

I asked my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her, "How did you do that?" but there was no response.

There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.

Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."

My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with. I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

Tyler: What's your favorite fruit?

Frankie: Pineapple duh, what's yours?

Tyler: Pineapple

Frankie: Wanna come over and watch some Netflix? I'm home alone.

Tyler: Absolutely!! What time should I be there?

Frankie: Right now.

Tyler: Sweet! Should I bring a condom?

Frankie: Now enough talk, let's fuck.

Tyler: I thought you never asked.

I drove past Wendy’s the other day. No other stores were open, so I asked, “Wendy’s openin’ then?”

What does a glass of water ask a pond?

"Water you doing?"

What does the pond answer?

"Pondering life."

There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"

"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.

"I want to be a hunter."

"Why?" the other babies ask.

"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."

A man walks into a skyscraper bar and takes a shot of tequila and jumps out of a window. An onlooker watches this and is scared, but what scared him most is when the same man who jumped came back up again 10 minutes later.

The onlooker who is amazed asked the man how he was still alive, and the man said with a drunk, slurred voice, “I don’t know, every time I take a shot and jump I float right before I hit the ground!” The man demonstrates and as he said floated down and came back up to the bar. The onlooker says that he must try, slams a shot of tequila and jumps SPLAT!

The bartender looks at the first man and says, “Your an a**hole when your drunk, Superman.”

Today, my mom gave me a lecture on how to stay safe during school shootings. When my brother walked past, my mom asked me a question: "What do you think of going through kids' heads during a school shooting?" That's when my brother came back downstairs and said to me and my mom, "Bullets." We don't talk about this anymore.

My "overweight" friend and I were talking at lunch.

Overweight friend: Man, why you so ugly, dude?

Me: *annoyed* Jason, when you stepped on the scale this morning, it asked for your weight, not your phone number.

Little Johnny was walking down a dirt country road, and he came upon an old farmer leaning against a fence looking sad, shaking his head. He walked up to the old farmer and asked him what's wrong. The old farmer said, "My mule, he just won't do nothing. He don't work anymore, always looking sad, barely eats, just sad." Little Johnny said, "Can I go talk to him?" "Sure," the old farmer said, "he's back in the barn." Little Johnny went back in the barn, saw the mule just sad, and sighing. A few minutes later, Little Johnny came out and said, "Your mule is fixed." The old farmer ran in, and saw the mule laughing, just rolling, and crying laughing. "Thank you, thank you," the old farmer said, and Little Johnny was on his way. Well, a few days later, Little Johnny was walking down the same old dirt road, and came upon the old farmer again, looking sad. "What's the matter?" Little Johnny asked. "It's my mule again. Ever since you talked to him, he won't do nothing, he won't work, just laughing all day. What did you say?" "Can I go in and talk to him again?" Little Johnny asked. "Sure," said the old farmer, "he's back in the barn." Little Johnny went in the barn and a few minutes later came back out. "Your mule is fixed, sir." The old farmer went in and saw the mule crying, crying really hard. The old farmer came running out of the barn, "Hey boy! What did you say to my mule? One day he's sad, then laughing, now he's crying. Just what did you say to my mule?" Little Johnny smiled and answered, "Well, the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his; this time I showed it to him."

I asked my friend what their serial number was... He said "Cheerios."

Friend: I'm gonna go ask out my crush.

Me: *fake sneezes* Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

A panda goes to see a hooker. He goes down on her, he mates with her, he ejaculates and then he attempts to walk away.

The working girl asks, "Aren't you going to pay me?"

She opens the dictionary to "Prostitute: One who sells sexual companionship for money."

The panda picks up the dictionary and turns to the definition "Panda: A marsupial who eats, roots, shoots, and leaves."