Around jokes

What do you call a waterfowl looking at you from around a corner?

A Peking duck.

9/11 jokes just don't fly around me.

How fast is the speed of sex?

68 because at 69 you've got to turn around.

Lynching is just another word for "hanging around."

How do blind kids get punished?

By moving the furniture around the house.

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.

After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.

“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out.

The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

When someone throws something at your forehead, it stops moving and goes into orbit around your forehead.

People's music when friends are around: *rock*

When they are gone: "Come on, vamanos, everybody let's go!"

What is more fun than spinning a clown around on a clothes line at 100 miles an hour?

Stopping it with a pitchfork.

You're so fat that I run around you for exercise.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

A cow with no front legs walking around?

Beef stroganoff.

What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?

R2 Detour.

Keep smearing that make-up around your face, maybe you'll get somewhere with it.

Chuck Norris once won a race against Usain Bolt, running in the opposite direction around the track, blindfolded, on one foot.

What's Michael Jackson got in common with Santa?

They both empty their sacks around children.

Someone eats glue and tells the other, "Sorry, can't stick around!"

She likes the Donkey-Punch. She likes the Dirty Sanchez. Sometimes she even likes to fool around in your bed!

Pass around the roses, their casket full of hoses, crash it, watch it, the water! OH SHIT IT'S GONNA BLOW!

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."

A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging, “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says, “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.