When Mother Teresa went to heaven, she was greeted by Saint Peter with a halo for her dedication to the needy. After walking around for a while, she saw Lady Diana with a bigger halo. She got angry at Lady Diana and went to Saint Peter and asked him why she had a bigger one, and Saint Peter said, "Oh, that’s not a halo, that’s a steering wheel."
(BILL is sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting with his tie. MR. SMITH enters with a clipboard.)
MR. SMITH: (sternly) Good morning, Bill. Ready for your interview?
BILL: (nervously) Uh, yes, sir! I’ve prepared a lot for this!
MR. SMITH: (raising an eyebrow) Great! Let’s start with an easy question. Why do you want this job?
BILL: (confidently) Well, I want to help your company succeed! I believe in hard work and dedication!
MR. SMITH: (nods) Good to hear. Now, what’s your biggest weakness?
BILL: (eyes widening) I tend to be overly honest.
MR. SMITH: (leaning in) That’s not really a weakness.
BILL: (smirking) I don’t care what you think!
(MR. SMITH pauses, surprised, then bursts out laughing.)
MR. SMITH: (laughing) Okay, you’re hired! We need more honesty around here!
What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.
why was sonic fast? to be rolling around at the speed of sound got places to got to follow my lead
a jew and jew walk in bar goy say what u want jew say give it alcohol jew say my son run away and become christian another jew pipe in he say my son too bar tender turn around he say “u not gonna believe this...”
I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs Simply because they look up to me
What song do you play at a emo kids funeral House of Pain jump around
A priest, Kelly Clarkson, and Ian Watkins all walk into a bar... only for the bartender to exclaim, "We don't serve your kind around here!" Then he muttered in a low voice, "Fucking paedos."
Why is it wrong to drive around in a van offering children candy? Because you’ll have more success if you give out video games
What does a Viagra and Disney Land have in common? They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two-minute ride.
One day little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parent's bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing he said playing cards, Little Johnny said who is your partner? dad said his mom on his way up he passed by his sisters room and noticed sheets Bouncing around and asked what she’s doing she said playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul. Next day dad came to ask Johnny a questions The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing he said playing cards. His dad asked him who is his partner was little johnny said you don’t need a partner if you have a good hand
What did one saggy boob say to the other? We better start getting some support around here, or people are gonna think we're nuts!
A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."
A guy is sitting at a bar when a drunk man walks up to him, calling his mom a whore. The guy just ignores it and stays in his spot drinking his beer. An hour goes by and the drunk man comes back saying, "Your mom is a whore!" The guy sitting looks around the bar, sees people staring and says, "Don't worry, everything is cool here," and shrugs it off. After a few more shots, the drunk man walks up a third time and says, "Your mom... is such... a whore!" The guy finally gets mad, throws his fist on the table and says, "You know what? Go home Dad!"
I ran into a fat woman today she said next time don’t hit me. I said I don’t think I have enough gas to go around. Then the ground start to rumble with every step she took
What is red and cries and spins around and around? - A baby in a microwave.
BlessedBrian’s face is like a mood ring... it turns blue whenever I’M around
Whats michael Jackson got in common with santa? They both empty there sacks around children.
Guys I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things. *proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*
Call me a worn-out sweater because I’m hanging on by a thread, that’s about to become a rope around my neck
