My friend: "Yo, stupid."
Me: "Is that right? And what exactly have you done in your lifetime that makes you Einstein?"
My friend: *rolls eyes* and says, "Whatever."
Me: "Keep on rolling them; you might find your brain in there."
The toilet having an argument with the toilet paper, the owner of the house had diarrhea, who's day was more shittier!?
When your friend gets involved with someone it affects the friendship when ever a friend of mine has a new girlfriend ,we should say I looked like the person you used to know but I've been modified to survive in this relationship if we have an argument and she's there I might disagree with you I'd rather countinue to see her naked.
You’re so lame, you don’t have a superpower!
"Yah, I do!"
Oh yeah? What is it?
"My diaphragm contracts and moves downwards into my chest cavity and my lungs expand!"
That’s breathing, Jim.
"NO IT’S NOT, JACOB, YOU CAN’T PROVE IT!"
I was at my boyfriend's house, and I thought he was cheating on me. He was on the phone with somebody, and he said he'd be over there soon. So I asked him if I could see his phone. He said no, and then we fought about it until I saw his gun, and because I thought he was lying to me, I shot him, went through his phone, and his friend was still on the phone.
Why did the cow not want to talk to the other cow? Because they had beef with each other.
I’m so annoyed by those people who just believe in anything they hear. This is a conversation I had a few days ago.
Idiot: "The moon landing was faked! So unbelievably fake!" Me: "You believe in the moon? Stupidass."
What did the sand say when it got into a fight with the ocean?
"Oh my God, you're such a beach!"
The last words my Dad spoke before he passed was, "Honey put down the knife, we were only talking about getting a divorce."