Argument jokes

What's the fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?

Just switch off the lights.

Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it, but when I use her body when I feel like it, I am the bad guy?

My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.

I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.

A husband and wife at custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex-wife.

Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"

Ex-wife: "I brought him into this world, so I should have custody of him."

Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."

Then the judge looks toward the ex-husband.

Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"

The ex-husband thought long and hard about his response. After a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out, is it mine or the machine's?"

It's like your hairline and your forehead had a disagreement.

Turn the comments into a kindergarten fight.

My girlfriend asked me to hand her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

What can you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing that you haven't told her twice already.

We split because she would always say I never listen, or something like that.

I got in an argument with the 90-degree angle. And guess what? It was right!

Orphans actually have an advantage. Nobody can call them motherless or test-tube babies in an argument.

John and Chloe are in school arguing about who has the more heroic grandfather.

Chloe says, "My grandfather killed 50 Nazis, he's so heroic!"

John says, "So what? My grandfather KILLED Hitler!"

The bully says, "Your mom!" The girl says, "Is sleeping with your dad."

Mom asks, "Why are you are THIS show??? It's DISTRACTING you from SCHOOL!!!!!"

The child says, "Don't you mean SCHOOL is distracting ME from this AWESOME show?"

Mom whispers, "Oh, you DEAD."

One day in Roblox, someone was arguing with me, and they asked me my age. "18." They said that they were twenty-two.

Me: "If you're so smart, what's the largest daycare game on Roblox?"

Him: "Yo Hair," he said. Then he left the game, and I said, "That is so messed up. Actually, that's bullcrap."

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

How do you end an argument with an emo? Kick the chair.

You and your sister always get into a fight and she says, "I don't care." Then you say right away, "About you!"

Two friends fighting.

Friend 3: "Cut it out, you two!"

Friend 4: "It wouldn't help if they cut it out... Believe me... I've tried..."

This anorexic girl wanted to fight me. I told her that I would roast her, but she didn't have any meat.