My sister said to roast her, but my mom said I'm not allowed to burn trash.
How do you break up a fight between two gay men Say can you get straight to the point
How do you stop an argument between two deaf people? Switch off the lights.
My wife said I have no sense of direction.
I said, "Where did that come from?"
A husband comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network. The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can’t cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can’t fuck."
How do you win an argument against an emo kid?
Give him a gun, he'll just shoot himself.
A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.
The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."
The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."
The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.
A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.
Wife: I will leave you if you call me fat again. Husband: Wait dear.. Don’t do it for the sake of our kid! Wife: Kid? Husband: Yeah, aren’t you pregnant?
Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!
Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!
Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.
The north and south towers got into an argument.
The south tower said “we will talk about this when we are on the ground”
I hate it when a couple has a minor quarrel, and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to ‘single.’
I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to ‘orphan.’
Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people? - Just switch off the lights.
Why is it okay for a woman to use me when she feels like it but when I use her body when I feel like it I am the bad guy?
My ex-boyfriend threatened to kill me because I was suicidal.
I wanted to tell him, "Well, can we get what we both want?" I was already planning on dying anyway.
A husband and wife at custody court. The judge looks sternly at the ex-wife.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child?"
Ex-wife: "I brought him into this world, so I should have custody of him."
Judge: "That is a simple yet good reason."
Then the judge looks toward the ex-husband.
Judge: "Why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?"
The ex-husband thought long and hard about his response. After a brief moment of silence, he replies, "If I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out, is it mine or the machine's?"
It's like your hairline and your forehead had a disagreement.
turn the comments into a kindergarden fight
We split because she would always say I never listen, or something like that.
