Anxiety jokes
After a suicide joke say, "Don't leave me hanging, or I'll cut it out."
Btw friend here also wants to do suicide.
Friend: Why did I cross the road? Me: To get to the other side. Friend: True!
Friend: Hey let's go hang out at the forest today! Me: Ok *grabs ropes for the both of us and rushes outside bc this is a lucky day* Friend: Hey at least we did it!
Friend: What's the best thing about me? Me: You will eventually end. Friend: Hmmmmmm . . . true!
Friend: What historical time influenced you the most? Me: The great depression.
If I could be an object I'd be glass because I'm see-through and I can shatter with the minimum difficulty immediately!
My parents sometimes say I'm their sunshine! . . . because I'm painful if you look at me.
Teacher: What does km/s mean? Me+like almost all of the class: *in unison* It means kill myself but misspelled.
Friend: What's the best way to end a game? Me: With death. Friend: . . . Hmmm now that you think about it yeah! That's the best way!
When you're about to jump down a cliff but you realize that you can't litter there.
Google says that you're about 75% water but I'm made of 101% depression 101% anxiety 101% suicidal 101% stress.
Brain be like will_to_live.exe, happiness.exe, and many more others not found also you have now got crippling_depression.exe, anxiety.exe, suicide_thoughts.exe, suicide_attempts, and stressful_life.exe so so so much many more.
How do you keep weeds away? Just put a bucket of crippling depression and suicidal thought and attempts in the soil and then they just kill themselves. Problem solved.
When you take antidepressants but they don't work it will just make you more depressed and that's a fact.
A bored depressed suicidal person: *sees a dying person* Dying person: P-l-pls c-c-c-call m-me a-an amb-b-bulancccee *wheeze* *dies* Bored depressed suicidal person: Hmmmm ur an ambulance Dying person: *manages to get back up* Bored depressed suicidal person: Oooooohh goddddd Dying person: *in a demonic tone* BUT NOT FOR ME~
Roses are red, Inside I'm dead, I have crippling depression, Some one pls shoot my head.
When you finally open up to a person who you think will care and understand but it turns out that they don't. You: *panickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanickingpanicking*
The only time you should lift your spirits up is when your gonna hang yourself.
A made-up story starting now. So I went to school as usual. There's a school shooting. All the depressed suicidal people: *crave death* *walks up to shooter* all say KILL ME A made-up story starting ending.
In this one the friend isn't suicidal. Friend: Wanna play a game? Me: Life wait no a game has a meaning. Friend: . . . *crickets* Friend: Calls suicide hotline. Me: Wait no!!!!!
Me: *has crippling depression* *asks mom why I was born* Mom: Hmmm I think I was drunk and on a lotta drugs. Me: Hmmm tysm *gets the rope* Mom: *making hanging puns* Me: *hurries to the trash truck*
Me: At this point I've lived about a decade depressed and suicidal that I don't struggle with it now, I'm good at it and it's all normal.
Hope you enjoyed.
If depression is going to be my girlfriend, will she leave me?
If I were a party, then anxiety must be the cousin depression felt obligated to bring to the party, and insomnia the little annoying sibling.
You know what really gets me under my skin when I'm down? Sharpener blades.
OPOSSUM
Well, you know what they say, time flies when you're just a ball of anxiety and stress. :D
When Iβm bored, I text a random number, βI hid the body... now what?β
If you say to someone, "Have a nice day!" it will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours," they'll be terrified.
I used to have a fear of hurdles.
But I got over it.
Did you know that you can die from laughing? Well, thatβs why I laugh so much.
Why is 10 always afraid?
Because it is between 9 and 11.
A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.
Patient: Sorry I'm so nervous, this is my first surgery.
Doctor: Oh, don't worry, mine too!
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
Depression
Me having a good day. Going on a walk on a peaceful day.
My depression: hey, what's up!
Me: go away.
My depression: well how rude.
Me: π.
My depression: remember that one time......
Me: no, don't even.
My depression: that we.....
Me: nope.
My depression: *says really fast*: said that one stupid joke that wasn't funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilled water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like you do every single night.
Me: π³πΆπ.
My depression: π don't worry I'll always be here for you.
I am going to scream, this is a cry for help.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Insomnia.
You'll fit right in along with Depression and anxiety, you can help keep me awake at night because Depression is struggling with that... Well now I can't cry myself to sleep anymore...
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
"Knock knock?"
"Who's there?"
"Depression"
"Depression wh-"
ME!! *runs away*
My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. (β β βΉβ β½β βΉβ β )
Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (β ββ β’β α΄β β’β ββ )
All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ΰ² β β‘β ΰ²