ANS jokes
What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
Did you hear about the guy who got a tattoo of an octopus?
He got inked up.
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
What do you call an atheist bone? -- A blasfemur.
Why did the author go to the emergency room?
His editor told him he needed an appendix removed.
My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.
What do you call a cow who plays an instrument? -- A moosician.
What do Japanese men do when they vote?
They have an erection.
Where can you find some of the world's largest vegetables? -- In an American nursing home.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth-theist.
What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter? -- An envelope.
I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."
I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.
An Irish guy walks out of a bar....
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Two police officers crash their car into a tree. After a moment of silence, one of them says, "Wow, that's got to be the fastest we've ever gotten to an accident site."
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
An atom loses an electron... It says, "Man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
"Dad, how do stars die?" -- "Usually an overdose."