ANS jokes
An astronomer walked up to me and I was like, "Give me some space..."
Are you getting the funnies?
A shoplifter tried to rob a grocery store.
He was asked to give an "eggsplanation."
American: I've never shot a gun.
African: That's the first coming from an American!
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
Who needs storage on a computer? Just use an Asian's brain.
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
What do you call a kid having a seizure on a dance floor? An improvement.
The past, the present, and the future were having an argument. It was tense.
There were two peanuts walking down an alley. One was assaulted.
A man goes to a restaurant and asks for some chili.
The waiter said, "Sorry sir, this is an Asian restaurant."
So he stretches his eyes and says, "Oh herro, can I get some chiri?"
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrel-elephant ;)
I took an Uber home the other day, and the bastard was swerving all over the road and driving on the shoulder... I said, "Who the f*ck taught you to drive?" To this, he replied, "Stevie Wonder."
I forgot my lucky egg! It always gives me an eggcellent amount of luck!
What's an edible part of a wheelchair?
A vegetable!
What do you call an animal underground? A fossil.
My teacher gave us an assignment, and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I answered, "Happy."
The teacher said I didn't understand the test. I said to her that she didn't understand life.
I saw Stephen Hawking using an ATM. It is nice to see he had found someone before he shut down.
Stephen Hawking was an unfaithful man. He had an affair with Alexa.
Why does Stephen Hawking have the voice of an angel?
Because no one has ever heard an angel talk.
A young blonde woman fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a shop and buys a handgun.
The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. The hysterical blonde tells her husband: "Shut up... you're next!"