Animal jokes
Roses are red, get on your knees, and bark for me!
What did the dalmatian dog say after he finished his meal?
"That hit the spot?"
Women are like dogs...
"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"
"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"
"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."
SHOES
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,” says Morty. “What happened to ya?” Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.”
“And yer hand?” asks Marty.
“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.”
“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?”
“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.”
“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.”
“True,” says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.”
I met an orphan with a dog yesterday. I chose the dog.
Why can't pirates play cards in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
What is a Finnish Spitz's favorite comedian?
Redd Foxx.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the "p" is silent.
Why did the lion say, "I'm faster than you," to the cheetah?
Because it was Halloween!
Why do cows die?
'Cuz they are to beef.
What is bigger than an elephant but smaller than two elephants?
A different sized elephant.
What is a monkey with a head?
This is a classic.
Why did the Dog go into the fire?
Because it wanted to be a hot Dog!
Hi, how are you? Busy doing today? Did I have to text more today after dinner? I did text, and you have been to the vet and walk walk home from home and walk walk home 🏠. Night is so nice 👍. I did not walk away, but you don’t want me to text me to let you know when I get home, can you walk?
I love you, Explain Bear. Please bear my children.
What is small, black and yellow, and drops things?
A fumble bee.
What do fish smoke? A puffer.
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick it up and suck it off...
Always practice safe sex: paint an X on the sheep that kick.
What happens when a frog's car breaks down?
It gets toad away!