Animal jokes
Hey, Mom, I'm back from the circus parade. It was amazing! First came the elephants, then came the tigers in the cage, and then came a beautiful lady on a white stallion. Oh, and what came after her?
Asked the mother, "Dad and every sailor in the state of Tennessee," said the boy.
What do you get when you cross a lawn mower and a parakeet?
Shredded tweet!
Who makes the best anteaters?
Uncle's... (Aunt eaters)
What do you get when you mix a lemon and a cat?
A sourpuss.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Cuz he felt like it mind your f***ing business like damn.
Why did the egg hide? It was a little chicken!
Did you hear about the cat jail break out? It was a cat-tastrophe.
What do you call a drunk cat? A drunk cat.
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
Q: How do you get a squirrel to like you? A: Act like a nut! 😂
Q: Why don't eggs tell jokes? A: Because they'd crack each other up.
Son: Dad, can you put my shoes on? Dad: No, son, I don't think they would fit me.
I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
Foxy the fox was a careless fox. She didn't care about her friend Froggy.
Froggy was a careful frog. One day, Froggy decided to teach the fox a lesson.
Foxy was in her bed sleeping when Froggy made her room an entire mess. She got up, and then her mother berated her for not cleaning her room. From now on, she is a careful fox.
Was threatened with legal action off my postman this morning!! I was stood havin a smoke when he asked if my dog bites, I said no. Halfway down my path the dog jumped up and bit him on his testicles!! Screaming out in pain he Said I was a lying bitch cos I told him my dog didnt bite!! Told him mine doesnt!! that wasnt my dog!!!
Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to Birds Eye.
Why did the duck not enjoy his restaurant date?
Because he didn't want to see the bill.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have pockets. I’m
Why can’t blind people eat fish?
Because it is seafood.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I saw a monkey yesterday, and thought it was you.
This one is for Gwen, I'm sorry people are so mean to you.
All the big cats gathered for a game of poker. Why did the tiger lose?
Because one of his opponents kept on lion. Another had a puma-nent poker face. But the real problem was the cheetah.
What do you call a cow that lives in Africa? Moo-fasa!
Junkyard dogs may be mean, but the meanest dogs are the ones guarding concentration camps.