Animal jokes
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
De-calf-inated.
What do you call a dwarf police officer?
A guinea pig.
Why do horses eat with their mouth open?
Because they have bad stable manners.
How do you pet a psychopath's cat?
You get it out of the microwave.
What do bees brush their hair with?
A honeycomb.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.
What do you get when a cow is caught in an earthquake?
You get a milkshake!
What happens when a cow jumps over a wire fence?
Udder destruction.
What do you call a dead parrot?
Polygon.
How do you make an octopus laugh?
You give it ten tickles.
I have a fish that can breakdance!
Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he died.
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"
What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?
They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
One man's pet is another man's dinner.
If you give a gator a GPS, does that make it a navigator?
What kind of bees make milk?
BooBees.
Why can you never hear bunnies having sex? Because they have cotton balls.