Animal jokes
Two fish in a bowl. First fish asks, "Haven't I seen you around here before?"
The second fish replies, "F**k me, a talking fish!"
What do crows get after they buy a phone?
A cawing card.
What did the ferret say after his family was questioned by police?
It's none of your business!
Why was the dog so stressed out?
It had a ruff day.
Why aren't dogs known as carrots? Because they aren't.
What do you call an Italian dog?
A labra-noodle.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates.
Why aren't dogs good at dancing? Cuz they have 2 left feet!
How can you help a llama on holiday?
Alpaca your bags.
Does your cat scratch you?
Yeah, I need [to] give him payback, but now he won't respond.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Who who, I'm an owl.
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"
Idiot 1: Why are cows good in math?
Idiot 2: I don't know why.
Idiot 1: Because they have built-in cowculators!
Why did the Texas cow own its own dachshund?
The cowboy told it to "get along little doggie."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c—
MOO!
What do you call an alpaca of Pakistani nationality?
An alpaki.
One day a teacher says: "What does a pig give us?"
A student says: "Bacon!"
The teacher says: "Good! Now, what does a chicken give us?"
A student says: "Eggs!"
The teacher says: "Good! Now, what does a fat cow give us?"
A student says: "Homework!"
The whole class laughs.
I could have sworn while watching anime I saw an American Boeing B-29 Superfortress in the background dropping bombs!
Mary had a great big ram, his fleece was white as snow, when on hands and knees our Mary went, his wad was sure to blow.
Month by month her belly grew, increasing in its girth, and when five months had flown by, our Mary did give birth.
And Mary had a little lamb, a little lamb, a little lamb...