Animal jokes

What did the ferret say after his family was questioned by police?

It's none of your business!

Why was the dog so stressed out?

It had a ruff day.

What do you call a prehistoric crow? Crow-Magnon.

If my cat were a cactus, doesn't that make him the catus?

Mary had a great big ram, his fleece was white as snow, when on hands and knees our Mary went, his wad was sure to blow.

Month by month her belly grew, increasing in its girth, and when five months had flown by, our Mary did give birth.

And Mary had a little lamb, a little lamb, a little lamb...

Why is the cheetah so bad at hide-n-seek? Because every time she hides, she will always [be] spotted.

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.

After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.

The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"

The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

What's the difference between a fish and a car?

You can tune a car... but you can't TUNA fish! x3

A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said, “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left.

The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?”

The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”

Cow: *can't be milked for 20 years*

9/11:

My sis a fat cow.

What did the cheetah tell the other cheetah when they had a test?

"Cheetah, cheetah!"

Why did the chicken cross the road? Who gives a shit? I wanna know how it got the car started!

What is a cow's favorite water sport?

Ca-MOO-ing!

You can tune a guitar, but you can’t tuna fish.

If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay?

Bagels.

What's a cat's favorite color? Purr-ple.

Why did the frog cross the road?

To show his gang that he had guts.

What is a rabbit's favorite type of jewelry?

Carats.

This lady has 2 parrots that only say one thing: "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?"

So she goes and tells her pastor. He responds with, "I have two parrots as well, they are always praying, and they have everything that a parrot needs to be a Christian. Maybe if we put our parrots together, mine will fix yours."

They proceed to do so, and the lady's parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, wanna have some fun?" and the pastor's parrots reply with "Johnny, drop your beads and lift your heads, our prayers have been answered!"