Animal jokes

What do you call a black goldfish? A gigger.

The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.

How many children does Explain Bear have?

Explain Bear weighs 1 ton.

How many belly rolls does Explain Bear have?

Kermit the Frog and Fozzie Bear were having a picnic.

Fozzie said, "Do you know where Ms. Piggy is? I haven't seen her all day."

Kermit said, "I don't know, but this extra bacon cheeseburger sure tastes great."

Mary had a great big ram, his fleece was white as snow, when on hands and knees our Mary went, his wad was sure to blow.

Month by month her belly grew, increasing in its girth, and when five months had flown by, our Mary did give birth.

And Mary had a little lamb, a little lamb, a little lamb...

Why is the cheetah so bad at hide-n-seek? Because every time she hides, she will always [be] spotted.

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar. The man orders a beer, one for him and one for the giraffe.

After they finish their drinks, the giraffe falls over, and the man gets his stuff and heads for the door.

The bartender says, "Stop! You can't leave that thing lying on the floor!"

The man says, "Mate, that's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

What's the difference between a fish and a car?

You can tune a car... but you can't TUNA fish! x3

A man was about to go into the bar with his dog when he realized the sign said, “No pets allowed!” He was about to walk away when another guy walked up with his dog. The 2nd man put on dark shades and said, “Just pretend you're blind!” He walked in with his dog, got a drink, then left.

The 1st man did the same thing, but when he walked in, the bartender said, “You know your ‘guide dog’ is a chihuahua, right?”

The man said, “They gave me a damn Chihuahua?!”

Cow: *can't be milked for 20 years*

9/11:

My sis a fat cow.

What did the cheetah tell the other cheetah when they had a test?

"Cheetah, cheetah!"

Why did the chicken cross the road? Who gives a shit? I wanna know how it got the car started!

What is a rabbit's favorite type of jewelry?

Carats.

Have you heard about the animal that was made of a human hand?

It's an ARMadillo.

What's a cat's favorite color? Purr-ple.

If seagulls fly over the sea, what flies over the bay?

Bagels.

What is a cow's favorite water sport?

Ca-MOO-ing!