Animal jokes
What is a gathering of octopuses called?
Octoposse.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
Why do the French eat snails?
They don't like fast food.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spied her!
What is the name of the bear capital?
Koala Lumpur.
How did the octopus go to the war?
Well armed.
How do you make an octopus laugh?
You give it ten tickles.
Where do kittens go on a field trip?
The meowseum.
What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
It got pissed off.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance, they looked like hare.
Why does a giraffe need such a long neck?
Because its head is so far away from its body.
What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy? Deer balls. They're under a buck.
What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?
He went to the Shell station.
Why do shepherds never learn to count?
Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.
Why did the lion always lose at poker?
He was playing with a bunch of cheetahs.
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
What do you call it when a chameleon won't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
Where did the sheep get a haircut?
At the baa-baa shop.