Animal jokes
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the beach, the people shout, "Free Willy!"
Why did the octopus blush?
He saw the bottom of the ocean.
What do you call an octopus that fights sharks?
An octobrave.
What is a gathering of octopuses called?
Octoposse.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
Why do the French eat snails?
They don't like fast food.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.
What is the name of the bear capital?
Koala Lumpur.
Why did the fly fly?
Because the spider spied her!
How did the octopus go to the war?
Well armed.
How do you make an octopus laugh?
You give it ten tickles.
Where do kittens go on a field trip?
The meowseum.
What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
It got pissed off.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance, they looked like hare.
Why does a giraffe need such a long neck?
Because its head is so far away from its body.
What's the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?
Deer balls. They're under a buck.
What did the turtle do when he ran out of gas?
He went to the Shell station.