Animal jokes
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs? -- Because the cow has the udder.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
What kind of dog can do magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
Why didn't the bear go to college?
Because bears don't go to college.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.
My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
What do gay horses eat?
Horse dick.
My aunt's star sign was Cancer, pretty ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the beach, the people shout, "Free Willy!"
Why did the octopus blush?
He saw the bottom of the ocean.
What do you call an octopus that fights sharks?
An octobrave.
What is a gathering of octopuses called?
Octoposse.
Why do Scottish men wear kilts?
Sheep can hear unzipping trousers from a distance of 100 yards.
Why do the French eat snails?
They don't like fast food.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building? Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
Most people think an octopus has 8 legs.
Actually, they have 6 legs and 2 arms. How can you tell which are the arms?
Hit it on the head. The two that go up to the head when he says "Owwww" are his arms.