Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
A dick has a sad life. His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.
Uranus, ur-anus, your anus. Anus is what's in between your two buttocks.
Your forehead so big your thoughts started on a Monday and didn't end 'til Sunday.
What did the balls say to the dick?
Hey dick, how's it hanging?
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What's the difference between a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."
And her mom said, "WHAT?!"
And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"
Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."
A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.
The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"
The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"
Your forehead's so big, it's built like Megamind's robot, period.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.
What do you call a snail without a shell?
Dead.
UU looks like boobies, hehe.
What do you call a vagina with teeth?
A vicious cunt.
What's worse than sucking a dozen raw oysters out of your grandmother's cunt?
Putting in 12 and sucking out 13.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile? Your face muscles.
What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? "You're dead to me."
What do you call an atheist bone? -- A blasfemur.
What's a skeleton's favorite instrument? The exylo-bone!
What did the dentist say when he looks into a patient's mouth?
"I C D K"
You know what I see?
DICK
