Aliveness jokes
I don't trust anything that bleeds for more than 5 days and is still alive.
Why did the Democrats act like an asshole when Rush Limbaugh was alive?
Because they fear him.
Let's say I was immortal. No matter what I did, I would be alive. But, the catch is I’m the least flexible and least strong person in the world.
Now, I get my head chopped off. What would I do? I would roll over to my headless body and figure out what it's like to suck my own dick.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5. I'm old enough to drive, for now I'm still alive, till I crash in that beehive!
One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!
ElectroBOOM is a SHOCKING YouTuber! (I can't believe he is still alive!)
A chair came to life and said, "I'm alive!"
I said, "Yes, I know I am."
Two guys are captured by native Chinese. They give them two choices: 1. Death. 2. 他妈的
The first guy: What's 他妈的?
The Chinese: Fucking.
The first guy chooses death.
Second guy to himself: Well, I'll let these sick fucks fuck me. At least I'll be alive...
The Chinese: Come on, we don't have all day.
Second guy: I choose 他妈的.
The Chinese: Ok, 他妈的 to the death!
I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't know why I am still alive for you.
What sound does a nut make when it comes alive?
Christmas!
Thankfully, I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.
If Martin Luther King were white, what would they call him?
Alive.
Sex dolls are alive in the Toy Story universe.
My aunt’s star sign is Cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died. She was eaten alive by a giant freaking crab!
People need to stop taking life so seriously. After all, no one gets out alive!
He dead, he alive, but most importantly, he got a new hard drive.
I had a boyfriend once. He broke up with me because he "wanted to be more alive." I guess it didn't work when he went to my basement.
I finally got my wife to shut up.
Who knew all I had to do was bury her alive all these years, ha! Try telling me to get my feet off the couch now, Karen!
You look like a 2 year old drawing that came alive.