Alcohol jokes

So a cupcake walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says to himself, "Damn, this is some good shit."

What do you call a drunk cat? A drunk cat.

Sending gay men to prison makes no sense to me. I mean, you have sex with a man and then they lock you up with a bunch of other men. That would be like arresting someone for drunk driving and forcing them to become a bartender.

A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

A twelve-volt battery walks into a tavern and orders a drink. The bartender serves him, and comments, "Now don't start anything."

My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.

So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."

So a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says tell me a joke. So the guy says: so a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says tell me a joke. So the guy says: so a guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender says tell me a joke. So the guy says: so a guy walks into a bar and he asks the bartender for a drink. So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink. So he gives the guy a drink.

Q: What did the drunk emo say to the bartender?

A: Nothing! He was hung over.

What does a kid and wine have in common?

Shit, I forgot, but they're both locked in my cellar right now.

A mushroom walked into a pub.

He asked the bartender to give him a beer.

The bartender said, "I can't, you'll get too rowdy."

The mushroom then said, "Oh come on! When I drink, I'm a fun guy!"

Why would you leave a damn gorilla out in the middle of the parking lot after you let the zookeeper bring a chimpanzee home from the zoo because me and the gorilla had too much to drink?

What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.

You know why Hitler wouldn’t drink whisky? Because it made him angry.

I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."

White Russians, do you mean red, white, blue, and dead White Russians?

If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀

So Johnny Depp made an appearance on the MTV Video Music Awards as an astronaut. It really looks like he wants to be the new Elon Musk, whatever career path is most viable for Depp. I got to admit, if launching crystal meth into your nostrils and your anus is as viable as launching rockets to Mars, Johnny Depp would surpass Elon Musk in net worth.

Then again, the money Depp spends on alcohol each month, he could have bought all of Michael Bloomberg's penthouses in Manhattan. Sure sounds like he also shares the same financial advisor as Donald Trump, who thought it was a magnificent idea to launch Trump Airlines and Trump Ice. He already shares the same pro-Kremlin lawyer, by the way.

Steven Hawking walks into a bar... Yeah.

(Not Original Joke)

Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.

"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.

"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.

"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.