Alcohol jokes
What do a girl and a bar have in common?
A- Liquor in the front, poker in the back!
Why are Russians forced to drink grizzly bear piss in Russia?
Because vodka in Russia is weak.
One day a father went out for some cold beer and threw the 18 pack in the back seat on top of the infant in the car seat. Fortunately, it was light beer.
Why do Russians drink grizzly bear piss?
Since vodka in Russia is so weak, Russians need a strong drink to get drunk.
A priest walks outside and finds two young boys sitting on a big ice cube. The priest asks what they are doing. The boys answer that the priest always likes a couple of cold ones before he goes on.
When I was 11, my mom came home from the bar super drunk that night, and I just wanted to know if they knew where the cat was because I heard a noise. We had a loooooooong talk the next morning.
what do you call a drunken sailer?
arrested.
How can you tell when a female became a rape victim? She crossed herself out, hanging by with a Carlton dry.
The difference between women and beer is that beer makes you happy for nothing, why women make you angry for nothing.
I like my wine like my women:
16 and in my basement.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!" The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
What do alcoholics and amputees have in common?
They are both legless.
Helen Keller walked into a bar, and a chair, and a table, and a wall.
My first name is Al and my last name is Coholic :) #yuengling.f/wat
A redneck and a Black man walk into a bar and order a drink.
How do you get 30 drunk Canadians out of the pool?
"Please get out of the pool."
Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.
These are all of my terrible jokes.
Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The ceremony was alright, but the reception was amazing.
A jumper cable walks into a bar and the bartender said, "I'll serve you but don't start anything."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one says, "Does this taste funny to you? I'm joking of course!"
Dejamoo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident and said to the doctor "I can't feel my legs." The doctor said, "I know, I amputated your arms!"
I went to seafood disco last week, I pulled a muscle.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one says, "Dam!"
A mystic dwarf escapes from a jail, the call went out for a "small medium at large."
A man walks into a bar with solid tar under his arm, he says, "A beer please, and one for the road."
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? The p is silent.
Yo mama so fat that she should be worried, diabetes is a serious problem.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, duh.
A priest, a rabbi, and a cleric walk into a bar. The cleric, due to his religious constructions, does not drink alcohol. The others do the same, they have a pleasant fun and nothing bad happens.
What's red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.
I remember the last words my grandad said before he kicked the bucket, "How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
A man walks into a bar, his alcohol independence is pulling this family apart.
I like my coffee like my women, on sometimes with a penis.
A man is working at a bar, a money comes in and orders a banana martini. The man wakes up and tells his story to his wife, he is ignored and he turns around sobbing. His marriage is falling apart.
Why didn't Jesus play hockey? Soccer and baseball are more popular in Mexico.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, the wheels were a lie.
What do a duck and a bicycle have in common? They both have wheels except the duck.
Why couldn't the dinosaur break the wall? I don't know. I'm asking you.
Why did the old woman put rainbow roller skates on her walker? She has dementia.
There are an owl and a squirrel watching a farmer go by, they owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing. It's an owl it can't talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because the owl is a bird of prey.
A NASA scientist is sitting in a bar when a Martian walks in and orders a martini.
The NASA scientist quickly realizes he is dreaming and wakes up. He turns to his wife and tries to explain the dream, but she rolls over and ignores him because she is tired of listening to him.
The NASA scientist begins to sob because his marriage is in shambles. lmao.
I like my wine like how I like my women: 10 years old and locked in a basement.