Alcohol jokes

What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?

They both get really high.

What did the drunk emo say to the bartender?

Nothing, she was hung over.

What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

The dear God created the man.

Then he created woman.

When he then saw what he had done, he took care of tobacco and alcohol.

I will never forget my grandpa's last words:

"What the fuck is in this drink?"

What do nail polish and panties have in common?

Both come off with alcohol.

Royal rebel and push so back, they ever marble say that drink pushback.

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

"Hold my beer, watch this."

White Russians, do you mean red, white, blue, and dead White Russians?

How old do you have to be to drink? Any age.

A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.

The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"

An Irishman walks out of a bar.

On the plus side, Nicola Bulley no longer has a problem with alcohol.

Why do Russians drink grizzly bear piss?

Since vodka in Russia is so weak, Russians need a strong drink to get drunk.

A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.

Why can’t Homer Simpson bring his family into Moe’s Tavern?

Because there’s a bartender in there.

What’s an orphan’s favorite drink?

Foster’s.

So, a man goes to church and is dipped in water three times by a Priest as he says, "From now on your name is Michael, and you will shed your sins of gambling and alcohol."

Soon after, the man heads home and rushes to the fridge to grab a can of beer. He turns on the sink and dips the beer can in the water three times while saying, "From now on you will be known as Not Alcohol."

After every line, say “I’m a man.”

I went to the club. (I’m a man)

I met a girl. (I’m a man)

I took her to the bar. (I’m a man)

We got some drinks. (I’m a man)

I took her home. (I’m a man)

We got in bed. (I’m a man)

She whispered in my ear... (I’m a man)