Alcohol jokes

What is an orphan's favorite beer?

"Fosters."

I like my women like I like my wine: 12 years old, in the basement, and locked up.

The Britains walk in the house of the alcoholic grandad. They ask Mary, the mum, why she had blood all over her, and she said someone dropped the butter. They walked into the living room, and Thomas was dead on the floor.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

A grasshopper jumps into a bar.

The bartender says, "We've got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper says, "Seriously? Why would you name a drink Callum?"

A priest and a pedophile walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey Jim!"

POV you are drunk and telling jokes and no one is listening 😭😭😭

Why did the short person bring a ladder to the bar?

Because they heard the drinks were on the house!

My uncle is an alchemist.

He can turn 3 bottles of beer into 4 hours of abuse.

A rapist, pedophile, and a priest walk into a bar.

He orders a beer.

"Hold my beer, watch this."

A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

A man walks into a bar, he gets a concussion. After 2 months of recovering, the same man rushes head first into the bar. He goes into a coma. After 2 years, he amazingly wakes up. He then gets in his car and drives into the bar at 70 mph. He dies. Did I mention he was suicidal?

Why is the rum gone?

So, two condoms walk by a gay bar. What does one condom say to the other? "Hey, wanna get 'shit-faced?'"

What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?

Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

So what does stress and energy mean?

Beer.

I’m not a hard drinker. I actually find it pretty easy.

Why does Aaron chug beer on a Wednesday?

Because his dad beats him every single day because he has scoliosis.