Alcohol jokes
People are like tequila glasses,
you gotta shoot them down fast.
A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"
He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.
The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."
A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He says to the bartender, "I have a deal, if I can hold my dick in the alligator's mouth for a minute without it biting, you owe me one drink." And so the bartender agreed.
The man, like he said, had his dick in the alligator's mouth for one minute without it biting, and the bartender gave him a drink. He made another deal, but for two minutes and for two drinks. Sure enough, he was able to do it and he drank his drinks. Then he did it for five minutes and five drinks. He did it and drank his drinks. Then he said to the amazed crowd, "Would anyone like to volunteer?" One man raised his hand. He walked up to the man with the alligator and said, "Just a warning, I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long."
Why do Russians drink grizzly bear piss?
Since vodka in Russia is so weak, Russians need a strong drink to get drunk.
Did you know there's a place in Germany called Hanover?
Must be lots of drunks there.
Why can’t Homer Simpson bring his family into Moe’s Tavern?
Because there’s a bartender in there.
What’s an orphan’s favorite drink?
Foster’s.
What did the drunk emo say to the bartender?
Nothing, she was hung over.
What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?
They both get really high.
A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.
What do nail polish and panties have in common?
Both come off with alcohol.
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?
Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.
The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"
An Irishman walks out of a bar.
The dear God created the man.
Then he created woman.
When he then saw what he had done, he took care of tobacco and alcohol.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words:
"What the fuck is in this drink?"
"Hold my beer, watch this."
Royal rebel and push so back, they ever marble say that drink pushback.
On the plus side, Nicola Bulley no longer has a problem with alcohol.
A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.
I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.