Alcohol jokes

So one day, I took a trip to Russia and saw Vladimir Putin walking in the streets without any bodyguards. Seeing as how I looked just like him, we switched places for a few days.

After two days, some officer came up to me and asked if we were going to project блять, and I said yes, and the officer said, "God help us."

So a day later, I heard on the news that every other continent and the moon were destroyed. I then approached the officer and said, "I thought you meant we were having a giant orgy." He said, "We did, and that we were extremely drunk."

Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.

"13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.

"Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.

"You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.

So a cupcake walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender says to himself, "Damn, this is some good shit."

What do nail polish and panties have in common?

Both come off with alcohol.

A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar. He sits down and orders a drink.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.

Champagne

Sending gay men to prison makes no sense to me. I mean, you have sex with a man and then they lock you up with a bunch of other men. That would be like arresting someone for drunk driving and forcing them to become a bartender.

How do women hold their liquor? By the ears.

A lion would never drive while drunk.

But a tiger wood.

What do an open champagne bottle and an orphan have in common? They both lost their pop.

Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.

Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."

6 Germans walk into a bar... and only three walk out.

A Roman walks into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says, "Give me five beers."

The dear God created the man.

Then he created woman.

When he then saw what he had done, he took care of tobacco and alcohol.

Yo, barber fucked up so bad he had to get a breathalyzer test.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender said, "Why the long face?"

Better to drink until you wave it off than to wave it down.

Kid: Mum, how do you know someone is drunk?

Mum: See the four birds over there?

Kid: Huh, wait a minute.

Mum: A drunk person would see eight.

Kid: Mum, but there is only two.