Alcohol jokes
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
"Hold my beer, watch this."
A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.
I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.
Royal rebel and push so back, they ever marble say that drink pushback.
White Russians, do you mean red, white, blue, and dead White Russians?
How old do you have to be to drink? Any age.
A grasshopper walked into a bar and sat down at the counter.
The bartender looked at him and said, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replied, "Who names a drink Steve?"
Why can’t Homer Simpson bring his family into Moe’s Tavern?
Because there’s a bartender in there.
How do you trick a camel jockey into drinking a bottle of watermelon schnapps?
Pour watermelon seeds into a bottle of watermelon schnapps.
What’s an orphan’s favorite drink?
Foster’s.
Did you know there's a place in Germany called Hanover?
Must be lots of drunks there.
A Russian walked into a bar... Unlucky for him I guess, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.
What do alcoholics and gas prices have in common?
They both get really high.
The dear God created the man.
Then he created woman.
When he then saw what he had done, he took care of tobacco and alcohol.
I will never forget my grandpa's last words:
"What the fuck is in this drink?"
What's the difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels?
Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.
What do nail polish and panties have in common?
Both come off with alcohol.
On the plus side, Nicola Bulley no longer has a problem with alcohol.
What did the drunk emo say to the bartender?
Nothing, she was hung over.
An Irishman walks out of a bar.