Alcohol jokes

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "All lawyers are assholes!" A guy at the other end of the bar says, "I resent that!" The drunk says, "Why, are you a lawyer?" and the other guy says, "No, I'm an asshole!"

I like my wine like my women:

16 and in my basement.

How can you tell when a female became a rape victim? She crossed herself out, hanging by with a Carlton dry.

I fear my last words will be "hold my beer and watch this."

So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."

A priest walks outside and finds two young boys sitting on a big ice cube. The priest asks what they are doing. The boys answer that the priest always likes a couple of cold ones before he goes on.

Two priests are in a bar. One says to the other priest, "I'll swap you two fives for a ten."

A bear walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a cola and a...whisky?" The bartender says, "What's with the big paws?"

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

What do you call a drunk cat? A drunk cat.

A teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share?" "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom." "OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit." "She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife." "She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops." "She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

Pin drop silence in the class!

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay away from Mummy when she's drunk...!!!!"

So, an Irish man is walking his poodle, and his buddy comes running up to him saying there’s a new pub in town and they’re giving out free pints.

So the man picks up his dog and runs like hell to the bar. But the bar owner stops him and says, "Sorry, you can’t go in." The Irish man says, "Why can’t I go in?" "Well, you have a dog, sir, and that sign over there says no dogs allowed. You’re going to have to leave him outside." Well, the Irish man thinks quick and says, "I’m blind; it’s a seeing eye dog." The owner says, "That’s ridiculous. A seeing eye dog would be a German shepherd or golden Labrador or something like that." The Irish man says, "Well, what kind of dog did they give me??"😂

What’s Bin Laden’s favorite drink? Double Manhattan.

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar.

They should have ducked.

So, two condoms walk by a gay bar. What does one condom say to the other? "Hey, wanna get 'shit-faced?'"

So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."

If you drink hand sanitizer, does it only kill 99.9% of you?...........💀

A redneck and a Black man walk into a bar and order a drink.

A very rich and famous comedian walked into a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him: - "This vodka isn't good enough for you." - "If it is good enough for you it is good enough for me!"

A man walks into a bar carrying a big chunk of asphalt and says to the bartender, “Make mine a double Scotch and one more for the road.”