Afterlife jokes
So, I was watching YouTube, and then my friend says, "Those videos never get old." I replied, "Just like a Make-A-Wish kid." After I said that, he shot me in the head and said, "And now neither do you." Now I’m in Heaven, and God says to me, "Welcome to Paradise where it is summer days, clear skies," and I said, "Are there summer women?" Now here I am in Hell with my buddy Hitler. I believe he’s a hero after he killed Hitler.
Suzy: How did Jonah fit in the whale?
Teacher: Whales are very big but have small mouths, so Jonah did not actually fit in the whale.
Suzy: Well, the Bible says he did.
Teacher: He did not.
Suzy: When I get to heaven I will ask him how he fit in.
Teacher: How do you know he went to heaven? Maybe he went to hell.
Suzy: Then you can ask him.
If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.
Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.
Kid: Dad, what happened to the kidnapper?
Dad: He had a nap.
Kid: Where is he now?
Dad: HELL!
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
"Our souls will rain forever."
Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons.
American: "I won't ever see my dog again!"
Italian: "I won't ever make pizzas again!"
German: "Hey, granddad, how have you been?"
I'm not sure how I'm going to get to Heaven.
God had not built a ramp yet... or an escalator.
From your Dad.
I won’t be back for a while, it’s a very long line.
I took 7 coins from someone. He even came back from the dead to get them.
Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo, so I gave them a halo.
Why does the orphan commit suicide to join the other side to see their parents?
How many dead children does it take to change the light in a basement?
More than ten, apparently.
Kobe was on fire before his death. He was on fire after too.
As the car crashed, someone said, "I see a light!"
What time is it when you get hit by a car? Time to die.
Jesus told me if I believed I would live for eternity. I believed, but at 97 I died...
I think Jesus is broken.
Grandma told me that when she passed away she wants to be a tree, and so she could live forever.
But I'm not gonna lie, it was a nice toasty fire...
Two skeletons meet at the graveyard at noon.
"What the heck are you doing here?"
"I couldn't sleep."
What do you call two skeletons dancing in a tin can?
Noise!
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be DYING to get in there.