Aed jokes

Hey, that's the thing my grandpa has. They say that to treat it, I should call him a bitch!

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.

If you kill someone, that's murder.

If you kill a family member, that's still murder.

If you kill a child, that's "child abuse."

An old man gets a call from the IRS.

The man on the phone says, “We’ve noticed large sums of money coming in and going out of your account constantly, and we gotta get this straight. Come in tomorrow and we’ll have a chat about this.” The old man thinks for a while and then decides he better get his lawyer to come with him.

The next day the old man and his lawyer show up to the IRS office, and the man there says, ”So we’ve noticed these large sums of money entering and leaving your account nonstop. Can you explain this?” The man replies, ”Well, I will bet on pretty much anything. Like this! I bet you 10,000 I can bite my own eye.” The agent takes the bet, and the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says, ”Wait. I’ll give you a chance to earn your money back, and more! I bet you 20,000 I can bite my other eye.” The agent thinks a minute and realizing the man isn’t blind, takes the bet. The old man takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. He then says, ”Alright, last chance. I bet you 50,000 I can stand on this side of your office and pee into that wastebasket on the opposite side without getting a drop anywhere in between.” The agent thinks real hard but decides it’s impossible, so takes the bet. The man unzips his pants and pees all over the IRS agent’s desk. The agent jumps up and down and says, “Haha! I got you now!” But the man's lawyer goes pale in the face, sinks his head in his hands, and says, “He bet me 100,000 on the way over here that he could piss all over your desk and you’d just love it!”

What's the difference between an American school and a shooting range?

My dick doesn't get hard at the shooting range.

OTHERS (MOTIVATED): If I had FLYING as a SUPERPOWER, FALLING would be the BEGINNING STAGE.

ME (DEPRESSED): OK, GOOD IDEA! LETS FALL OFF THE CLIFF AND FLY TO HEAVEN!!

Can't have a smoke with my girl after sex, she's asthmatic.

Plus, she's too young to smoke.

A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"

The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."

What do you call useless skin on a penis?

A man.

What is italian sausage?

The dick of a gay italian.

The closest thing in a depressed person's life is a knife and his/her throat.

What do you call a gay drive by?

A fruit roll up.

If you're having a bad day, just remember the Blobfish exists.

Do you have a shovel? Because I'm digging that ass.

If a homeschooled kid shoots his parents, does that count as a school shooting?

How many cops does it take to push a black man down a flight of stairs?

None, he fell.

It's a very smart day today. I'd say it has about 30-45 degrees, with humidex.

How do you know when a woman is going to have a black baby?

When she takes the tampon out, all the cotton is picked.

A guy is on trial for leading a mob to gang rape a woman he'd taken out for a date. His defense is that he was helping her live out a fantasy.

The DA is furious and asks him WTF gave him that idea. He said, "After the date I took her back to her house, pulled out my dick, and tried to hand it to her. She told me, 'You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Seriously, go get some help!'"

What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

A liquor cabinet.