Aed jokes
Me: Want to hear a joke?
Friend: Sure.
Me: When my Mum and Dad said they loved me.
Friend: What's funny about that?
Me: Because the next day they disowned me.
My mother caught me jerking off and she told me to leave it out. I didn't know what she was doing but she grabbed my cock and started sucking. Then I found out on porn she was doing deep throat.
A couple of weeks later my dad caught me jerking off, I thought he would deep throat, but he just walked up to me and slapped my boner. I cried for 5 hours. Luckily my mum gave me a sloppy joe afterwards.
What is the difference between 100 dead babies and a Mustang Challenger?
I don't have a Mustang Challenger in my garage.
I was at a train station and a woman ran up to me and asked, "Is this train running on time?" I said, "No, it runs on steam and coal."
What is the difference between a brown bear and a polar bear?
About a few thousand miles.
The first thing a man looks at in a woman, is her heart.
The fact that her breasts block the view is not her fault.
Why do you wrap a hamster in duct tape?
So it doesn’t explode when you’re fucking it.
Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking, hot body as a senior citizen?
Cremation.
What's the difference between a priest and Woody from Toy Story?
Woody goes limp when a kid walks in the room.
What do you call two lesbians in a closet? A liqueur cabinet.
What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Good Year, the other’s a great year.
What do bungee jumping and a gay man have in common?
If the rubber breaks, they're in beep shit.
If a midget says your hair smells nice, is that sexual harassment?
What do black parents and elevators have in common?
Neither of them can raise anything without a belt.
I took a special needs child to a shooting range.
Poor bastard had no idea which direction to run in.
I saw a black man riding a brand new bike, so I went home to check my garage. It’s all good because I still saw mine still chained to the floor begging for food.
Are you sure your father isn't a thief?
Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
Why is Jeffrey Epstein so bad at races?
Because he comes in a little behind.
Why should you never give an orphan a phone?
Because they wouldn't be able to find the home button.
What is the difference between an orphan and a deaf kid?
They can't hear or speak to their parents that never came back.