Aed jokes
billie: hi.
me: You wanna hear a story?
billie: Yes, sure.
me: Once upon a time, I ran over your dog last night.
Two brothers play on the street. One of them finds a condom on the ground. Not knowing what it is, they go to their mum and ask what it is that they found. Mum gets mad and yells to throw that away immediately.
Guys go back to the yard, surprised why their mum got mad for just latex. One of them says: "Why did mum get so angry?" The other: "I have no idea, thankfully we did not tell her that we've eaten the yogurt inside!"
What do you call an autistic kid with a glock?
Special forces.
Btw, I'm 13.
A cop pulled me over and shouted, "Papers!" I shouted, "Scissors!" and drove off.
Why can't Stephen Hawking be a Rocket League car? Because he can't jump for an aerial.
There has to be a connection
A man is with his friend in a bar.
The friend, out of the blue, asks, "Hey, what's your body count?"
Nervous, the man looks away.
The friend then says, "I'm talking about sex."
The man then turns back and mumbles, "Oh... I thought you saw inside the basement..."
"Wait, wha..."
"What?"
Little Johnny walks in on his grandfather smoking a cigar.
“May I smoke a cigar?” asks Johnny.
The grandpa replies, “Well, does your dick touch your asshole?”
Johnny replied, “No,” and left the room.
The next day Johnny sees his grandpa getting into a car.
“Can I drive the car?” asks Johnny.
“Does your dick touch your asshole?”
“No.”
The day after that, Grandpa sees Johnny about to eat a cookie.
“Johnny, may I have some of your cookie?” asked the grandpa.
“Does your dick touch your asshole, grandpa?”
“Yep.”
“Then go fuck yourself, this is my cookie.”
All rape can be prevented. It's just a matter of semantics.
I told kids to make a family tree. God, I love working at the orphanages.
My uncle and I have somewhat of an awkward relationship. At times I find him a bit hard to swallow.
My school is on fire today, and I pushed a kid in a wheelchair down the stairs and shouted, "Hot Wheels!"
Little Johnny walked into his house. He heard a banging sound from up above and decided to investigate. He opened the door to his parents' room and saw his naked mom and the woman next door. He thought they were wrestling and decided to join in.
While undressing a woman, she told me she has AIDS. I told her she can't catch it twice, but she still kept screaming.
Yo mama so ugly when her parents had a gender reveal party the balloon came out green.
I know a woman who owns a taser. -- She's stunning!
"I know that everyone is allowed to act stupid once in a while, but you’re really abusing that privilege."
What is a cannibal's favorite food?
Crackers.
An orphan girl wanted a family so she was raped until pregnant. Problem solved.
Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"
What do you call a bear with extreme mood swings? -- A bi-polar-bear.