Aed jokes

I tried getting an abortion, but they said, "Sir, this is a pizzeria."

What did all the humans say when all the pets left town?

A doggone catastrophe!

Your mama is so fat, it said "To be continued..." then it loaded and said "One person at a time!"

You know the Twin Towers employees were supposed to meet a good football team. Instead, they just met the Jets.

Joe Mama is so fat that when she sat on an iPhone, it turned into an iPod.

I was at my lecture at Oxford. Professor Albert Pessistein was leading the lecture, teaching us new equations. I asked where I can find a drink, due to my dying of thirst. He said, “big games my friend.”

He then proceeded to teach us, “The greater the Big games, the higher the Bottling!”

I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.

My willy was feeling itchy, so I decided to go to the doctor.

My doctor was foreign and spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. As I returned home, I noticed my willy was gone! Pessi stole my PENis thinking it was a Penalty just so he could statpad. SHAME ON YOU!

One rainy day a NASCAR race was going on and they had no other choice but to use this bitch's forehead. https://sportsrecruits.com/athlete/morgan_tomporowski

This isn't really a joke, but I HAVE PTSD, YAY! :)

I asked my dad what his previous job was. He said: "I was a post until I met your mother."

As ruler of a kingdom, I wanted a knight. Duke Leo Pessi IV offered himself but wanted a wife in return. I offered my beautiful daughter to him. However, he slapped her and proceeded to wreck my castle. All this whilst crying “I don’t want princess, I want farmer!”

DAMN YOU PESSI!

A little chimney said: "Ooooh, I think my house owner is making a fire in me! I'm about to smoke!"

The big chimney said next to him: "Well, you're too young to smoke..."

I was watching a TV show where a guy was hanging off a cliff, then the series ended... I guess you can say that they left that guy on a cliffhanger!

Q: Where does a one-legged waitress work?

A: IHOP.

I wanted to have sex, but I share a room with my brother, so we made a code. "Tomato" for faster, and "cheese" for more, and I shouted, "Tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese." My brother said, "Stop making sandwiches, you're getting mayo on my bed!"

You a cunt.

Me: Knock, knock.

Teacher: Who is there?

Me: Boo.

Teacher: Boo who?

Me: Stop being a crybaby and open the door!

Teacher: ......

Me: Aw man, detention again.

What time do you have when an elephant sits on your fence?

Time to get a new fence!

What would you call a mom cat and a kitten walking together?

KIT-KAT :p