Aed jokes
I bought an anti-bullying wristband. I say I bought it; I stole it off a fat ginger kid.
I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.
My dad said I should look if I could move a log. Well, he had to go get milk.
What's the best way to get ten babies in a bowl?
A blender.
What's the best way to get them out?
A blender.
Jack and Jill went up the hill. They turned to drunks and have no will. Jill said to Jack, "Your love reveal, then think of building me a still."
You know a baby bottle looks kinda like a penis... Also sausage and hotdogs too.
Me playing a game...
What did God just stop? Are hearts cause we didn't kill each other.
Like if that was good.
She was only a potato chip manufacturer's daughter--but she was Frito-Lay!
Someone asked me, "How would you like your steak cooked?"
I said, "On a stove!"
I did a ton of work today, a skele-ton.
There was a dog in the middle of the room, so I called it and started to play fetch. Then my mother shouted at me for playing with my food. I missed it, but it was tasty.
What do you call a lazy potato chip? Lays!
How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
You set it on fire; then it goes, "WOOF!"
Two mums hook up!
Their daughter comes in the room and says, "Which one's the baby daddy?"
The "mum" points to the woman who was actually a man!
Q. Why can't Stephen Hawking go to Heaven?
A. He can't get his wheelchair up the stairs.
What's the difference between a spare tire and dead hookers? I don't have 8 spare tires in my trunk.
Three people having sex is a threesome; two people is a twosome. So next time someone calls you "handsome," don't take it as a compliment.
Son: I heard mom got stung by a few bees this morning. Is she ok? Hospital?
Dad: She's ok now, no hospital.
Dad: She had to take the deep penis.
Son: Umm...... WHAT!?
Dad: I had to inject her with and EPIC PENIS.
Dad: Oh, for God's sakes.
Dad: Epi Pen.
What do you get when you cross a Cuban and corrupt dictator, Fidel Castro?
One time in the butt. Two times in the butt. Three times in the butt makes a slut hot and wet.