Aed jokes
What egg do you buy an orphan?
Free range.
Why did the wall fall over?
A drunk driver hit it going 90mph and died.
A fat man was checking his weight and sucking in his fat belly. A physicist saw it and said that's not how the law of conservation of mass works.
Plot twist: The fat man jumped on the physicist and proved him wrong. Now the physicist doesn't have mass.
Q: How did Helen Keller break her wrist?
A: Reading road signs.
Me: *Calls friend* "Dude, I just fell off a 50-foot ladder!"
Friend: "Bro, you ok?!"
Me: "Yeah, lucky I only fell off the first step!"
How can you tell a blonde likes you? She ducks you two nights in a row.
Guys, if you saw a post from someone pretending to be me, don't listen to them.
I'm just going to be out for 3 days, or maybe for a month break. There are a lot of fakers.
What's an orphan's favorite battle zone? The home front.
What's the most difficult thing about being a pediatric surgeon?
Keeping the scalpel steady while masturbating.
Why does an orphan always get the newest iPhone?
Because so he does not have a home button.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
BaBOOM!
The parents used to hit him.
His parents got into a car crash and died.
He became an orphan in an orphanage. The people there hit him. He looked up and said "Parents?"
What kind of poops do ghosts take? A spooky dookie.
An LDS preacher knocks on the door with a chalice of wine offering to do the sacrament.
The person living there points and says, "Begone, foul blood-drinker!"
And promptly the preacher bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash.
Are you a haunted house?
Cuz I am gonna be screaming when I come inside you.
I wasn’t close to my dad when he died. It’s a good thing he stepped on a land mine.
What do you call a Democrat that is a progressive?
A Democrat that lost in a presidential election.
Hey, I just wanna be in bed. I just wanna stay ahead. I just feel like I am dead, And I like that color red. Hey, I am not the big fat loser, And you're just a big accuser, You user and excuser.
Say this to you sister, toxic BF, anyone :)
This isn't a joke, I repeat, this is not a joke. The plane in Lake Harriet is not in the lake. It is invisible because of the satellite pic, so there's no plane in Lake Harriet.
Why did the sun not go to college? Because it already has a million degrees!