Aed jokes
My wife asked me to get her a puppy. I agreed and went to an animal shelter. As I was searching for a puppy, a fire was set, and the entire animal shelter burned down.
A few hours later, I returned to my wife. She knew I had no puppies and asked why. I replied, "I couldn't find any." She understood but was upset, so I gave her something that I did get. She said, "Wow! This is good, what smokehouse did you get this at?"
How do rappers greet each other?
With a "Mic check, one-two."
What do you call a booty that can do magic?
A butt trick!
If you give a dwarf 5-Hour Energy, will it become 2.5-hour Energy?
What do you call a peso?
A wetback greenback.
Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?
A: "It's me, Luigi!"
What is a nudist's least favorite holiday?
Memorial Day.
Why?
Because wearing a poppy can be very painful.
If you don't like my spelling, Explain Bear, have you realized I'm a duck and you are a bear? I've got more internet power and meme power, so shut the duck up and get a life and stay off my property and the internet.
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.
Why should you put an autistic person in a refrigerator?
Because otherwise you’ll get a rotten vegetable.
(Not meant to be triggering).
Diddy and Hawk Tuah walk into a bar. Hawk Tuah says, "Spit on that thang!" Only one walks out. 💀
What do you get when a topless blonde rubs sun tanning oil on a topless brunette?
Your camera.
What do you call a terrorist in a bath?
A bath bomb.
Why didn't Michael Jackson have a girlfriend? He's afraid of women.
Something you can say about a restaurant, but not your partner:
"So you’re open 24 hours a day?"
The great meme reset is like a fart. If you force it, it's gonna be shit.
What’s the worst thing about having a wife with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.
What disease do you get from shoving a dirty, rusty piece of metal up your ass? Tetanus.
My cousin said he wonders why people have sex with animals, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.
Ol’ McDonald had a farm e-I-e-I-oh.
Chuck Norris is a genius for this: Walker Texas Ranger = Wrangler Karate Sex.