Aed jokes

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

I don't know why everyone cares so much about 3D printers. I've had a Canon printer for years.

So Paul Walker made a rap cover. It is called "Straight Out of Windshield."

If a tree had a mouth, wood it bark?

I was really rooting to tell that one.

On Christmas, Mexicans wake up in the morning, then take a nap.

Joking, I know they work hard. They run all the way to the border to decorate the barbed wire.

I was in a terrorist a famous terrorist group. No, not the Taliban. We called ourselves the Talabam.

Me and my friends were talking. Then we started talking about our wives. I said, "So, I married a volcano for a wife. You never know when she will blow up."

There was an enemy with a machine gun.

My commander said, "Un-arm the enemy."

So I ran over to the enemy and chopped his arms off.

A wife decided to leave for a vacation, leaving her husband in supervision of her mother and her cat. After a few days, she called her husband and asked, “How is everything going?”

He responded with, “The cat is dead.”

She cried out and said, “Why couldn’t you have broken the news slowly? You could have said the cat is playing on the roof or on the first day, and the next say it broke its leg, then the next that the poor thing's dead! Anyways, how’s my mom?”

“She’s playing on the roof.”

Do you wanna hear a joke about vegetables? Never mind, it's too corny.

What does a French woman say when you ask her what her favorite video game is? "Oui, oui!"

What did Paul Revere yell during a full moon?

The British are cumming! The British are cumming!

I was kissing my gal when the phone rang. I answered it, and it was a prank. I walked into the room when my girl had sex with me. Then we cummed the house full XD

PS free sex at my name

Chuck Norris gets pulled over by a cop, and the cop gets a ticket.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

After all the mudslides in the area, the streets became a mudder out there.

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

The FBI said, "Open up!" I shout to them.

A person said, "Cookie sale." I opened up. He fucked me.

What do you call a funny cow?

A cowmedian.

What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?

With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.