Aed jokes

*bowl of dark grapes*

Friend 1: I like my grapes how I like my men.

Friend 2: Black? Good one.

Friend 1: 21 at a time.

I went to a muffler party... it was exhausting!

Someone asked me if I was a good sleeper. I told them I'm so good that I can do it with my eyes closed.

A father of a young girl comes and meets the doctor.

Father: Doctor, how is my daughter's report?

Doctor: Congrats, your daughter is pregnant.

Father: WTF ?????? My daughter is 10 years old and unmarried.

With a poke-poke here,

And a poke-poke there,

Here a poke, There a poke, everywhere a poke-poke!

I was once caught doing it with a 16 year old in my bedroom. Boy, was my wife mad. She yelled "HOW CAN YOU F*** OUR DAUGHTER?!". Haha, yeah, she was mad.

Anyways, that's why your mother and I are getting a divorce, Timmy.

I put my fish on a leash so I could teach him to walk. Then I took him out for a walk. Then, when I put him back in the tank, he stopped moving.

I was about to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Why did the man yell at the other? To tell a pun.

Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?

A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.

what do you call a chicken who crossed the road?........suicidal.

So I stayed at my friend's house for a few days, and I was like, "OMG, why?" So, I am going home because I’m going to my best friend's house.

Why is 69 annoying me? Oh, it's a tease.

What do you call a Mexican in the zombie apocalypse?

Answer: "Sweet and spicy chicken."

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

I was going to write a corny joke, but those are a bit too EAR-itating.

What do you say to a woman who is completely beaten up on her face, full of bruises, and has a broken jaw?

"Will you listen now?!??"

A woman walks into a supermarket and sees a blind man swinging a dog around in the air. So, the woman walks up to him and asks, "What are you doing?" The man says, "Just having a look around."

What’s the difference between a living and dead person?

I don’t know, I just bury the coffin.

If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?