Aed jokes
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
A retard won a break-dancing competition. All he did was go to get a drink.
If Stephen Hawking is dying, where do I take him, Currys PC World, or a hospital?
What is it called when a gay guy punches someone?
Fruit punch.
I am having a shit and there[sic] nothing else to read.
Carter is a pussy.
A man says, "I'm flying!" He realizes he was pushed out of a plane.
What’s the difference between a 5.7l v8 and a dead baby?
If you lift the hood on my car, you won’t find a 5.7l v8.
What's the difference between cancer and a baby?..
There is none.
What skeleton does Crap-ton of?
A "bone".
Why did Steven Hawking die?
A quad rasher ran him over.
Never trust a donkey; they are always full of shit.
What's the difference between a yandere and a gun?
Nothing.
Flip them off the wrong way and you're dead.
Why does Santa not have any children?
He only cums once a year.
My cousin died last week. He needed a blood transfusion, but we didn't know his blood type. He just kept saying, "B positive, B positive," but it's hard to be positive with him gone.
What is a necrophiliac's favorite candy? A Hearsey's Kiss.
How did you get Sally into a blender?
- Without much resistance.
How do you get Sally out of a blender?
- Tortilla chips.
Person A: Where do you come from?
Person B: Liberia.
Person A: *speaks softer* Oh sorry, do you come from?
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”