Aed jokes
I would like to complain about the new sushi restaurant at Gatwick Airport. Although there were large portions going round on the conveyor, they did taste a bit like luggage.
So an orphan goes to the store and gets a bunch of cartons of milk.
The cashier goes, "Woah, why so much?"
The orphan goes, "My dad never came back with the milk, so, well, here we are!"
The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.
Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."
Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"
Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."
Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
Hey, can I tell you a joke about pencils? Never mind, it's pointless.
How did Helen Keller's parents punish her?
They put doorknobs on a wall and said, "Open the door."
My mom told me to look for a bill in her file at her home office. Instead, I grabbed my sister's adoption papers.
If I eat a poisonous potato, it attacks my immune system and I die.
But if I poison a poisonous potato, then eat it, then I won't die because the potato is already dead and can't attack my immune system.
Who’s more excited than a kid on his birthday?
Jimmy Savile in a primary school playground.
Dude, has anyone made a joke about small foreheads? Oh wait... they would be nonexistent.
I had the WORST day ever. My ex was sent to the hospital from a gun, and I got my hunting license removed.
In other news, we are hearing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4. Let's cross live to our eye-in-the-sky, Mark. Mark?
And to the parents of the lost boy named Timmy, we have found him, and now is your chance to make your escape. He really is a little shit, isn't he?
Welcome onboard Sexist Airlines. Everyone, please fasten your seatbelts now as we are switching to a female pilot.
Roses are red, I am very cool, You, on the other hand, Need to drown yourself in a pool.
Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.
Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.
If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.
My doctor said I could have up to 20 units a week. But now I've eaten half of my kitchen.
What do you get when you mix a fly and a rabbit?
Bugs Bunny!
What do you get when you cross a turkey and a centipede?
Drumsticks for everyone!
I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.
The wheels on the bus go round and round!