Aed jokes
We have a new member of staff here today. He has no arms, no legs, and no body. He will be known as "The Head."
Clear all your debts with one easy payment. Buy a shotgun and blow your head off.
Like a lot of people watching the Olympics, I'm wondering why black people don't just take over the earth.
I would like to remind all passengers that this is a no-smoking flight, although do feel free to join me in the cockpit, where we've opened a window.
Where do you mix a bunny and a hare?
Bunny hair.
It looks like a runner bean, only smaller.
From the makers of Mangeone...
He turns, he shoots!
And that is a horrible end to the Grand National...
And Sterling has taken a dive.
That's all for financial news, back to the football.
Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.
So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"
A turtle was walking down the street when suddenly a snail came and robbed him. When the police came, they asked what happened. The turtle responded, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
Why did the Democrats act like an asshole when Rush Limbaugh was alive?
Because they fear him.
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day:
Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
Why do feminists believe that they can act like a bitch towards men if they want to? Because they were born without a penis.
What can a dwarf do standing up that a tall person can't do standing up?
Perform fellatio.
What can you give a white person that you can't give to a black person?
A black eye.
"Discuss the synopsis of this poem: My Friend Billy Has A Ten-Foot Willy."
Are multiple choice questions too easy?
A) Yes.
A new feature that we are bringing to the Olympics is 3D viewing. So if you're watching the javelin, I would look away now.
Let's take a look at the Swedish bench for today's game. $12.99 from Ikea.
As you can see here, Jessie is wearing a lot of concealer.
Jessie?