Advice jokes

I got kicked out of a hospital once. I told all the COVID patients to stay positive.

I got kicked out of the hospital for saying, "Stay Positive," to the corona patients.

My mom wanted me to brush my hair.

And I just told her that even pet animals don't like their hair brushed...

If your sis makes you mad, so go to your friend's home to play.

If your sis is sad, go tell Mom.

Keep smearing that make-up around your face, maybe you'll get somewhere with it.

You’re so short, you must need a ladder to reach your advice and dreams.

What did the cucumber say to the bell pepper that wasn't wearing enough clothes?

You need more dressing.

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the Covid-19 patients to stay positive.

I got kicked out of the hospital because I told all the COVID-19 patients to stay positive.

What do you tell your butt cheek when you need to use the bathroom? "Hold it in, so you won't get constipated and die."

Mom told me drugs are my enemies.

Jesus said to like your enemies.

Yay, I can like drugs then!

My sister said to kill myself, so now I’m in the hospital hoping to die.

My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.

Someone is talking about you behind your back, make run "vhaleka."

When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

"Breathe... Breathe..."

If you ever get bored, tell an orphan to take two days off their calendar. If they ask why, say, "Because you're missing Father's Day and Mother's Day."

Living in Houston, Texas, and realizing that hurricanes are an annual threat, my ex-wife called me and asked what would be the safest route to get out of Houston to avoid a hurricane. My answer? Take the 610 loop, dear!

My husband told me to make him a sandwich. I was looking online for some comebacks. Someone online said, "You better come back with a goddamn sandwich!"

My doctor is a very attractive woman; gorgeous face, nice boobs, smoking hot body. She said to me, “You are in your 50’s now, you have GOT to stop masturbating.” I asked why. She replied, “Because I’m trying to examine you, ya’ pervert!!!”