Advice jokes

My wife and I’s gay marriage counselor advised us to watch porn together. So, we decided to try it out one day and search up lesbian shemale porn.

And that’s the day she found out she was a porn star.

How do you stop a school shooter from killing you?

Tell him you don’t believe in dog.

What did the old chimney say to the young chimney?

"You're too young to smoke!"

That's not even a bad joke-

Sonic says if you're ever born, punch an orphan. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

I wish I knew life, but my dad said it was a mistake to begin with.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving more than once.

I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

Nancy be like, "Don't do drugs, do cock!"

What did the mama nut say to her son?

“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”

When your mom says it will all be ok if you just......... *there is blood on the floor*

Quote of the day:

A bad attitude is like a flat tire. You can't go anywhere until you change it.

Chao!!!

My mom said don't fuck whores.

So I kicked my step sis out the house.

So, I saw two homeless people on the road fighting. I said, "Stop fighting and go home." I guess it was a little insensitive.

A young Greek couple got married, and at their wedding...

...the mother of the bride took the bride aside for a quick chat.

"My sweet," she said, "you're now a woman. I'm so proud. Some advice for you now that you're married: Greek men are very particular, and at some point when you're making love to your new husband, he might suggest that you 'turn around,' if you know what I mean. If that sort of thing makes you uncomfortable, do not feel pressured to say yes."

The bride thanked her mother for the advice, and the wedding continued. That night, as she and her husband consummated the marriage, she was mildly surprised to learn that he never asked her to 'turn around.'

They spent a beautiful week together on their honeymoon and made love many times. But still, to her mild surprise, her husband never asked her to 'turn around.'

Their one year anniversary arrived, and they made love to celebrate the milestone. But again, to her mild surprise, the husband never asked her to 'turn around.' This continued for years: their second anniversary, third, fourth...

Finally, on their fifth anniversary, her husband started getting romantic with her in bed and said, "Honey, we've been married for five years. I was thinking we maybe try something new. I thought this time you could 'turn around,' if you know what I mean."

She replied, emphatically, "No! No, I do not do that, I am not that kind of woman!"

Without getting defensive, her husband simply said, "That's all well and good, honey. But I thought you said you wanted children?"

The guard caught one of the fugitives as he tried to escape. All he said was...

"Don't let your guard down."

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?

People tell me to be nice to orphans, so I say, "What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?"

If I fall in love with my depression, maybe it'll leave me too.

(Took this from my other account @Toby :) btw)

What did The Notorious B.I.G. say to the cow?

- MOO MONEY MOO PROBLEMS

My dad said I need to eat more. I don't know why, but his fat ass needs to stop eating.