Accident jokes

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice? Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.

A truck carrying Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours straight.

A conductor was conducting a song. At the end, he threw his conductor's stick and killed someone. He was put to the electric chair, but nothing happened. They asked why he didn't die, and he replied, "I'm a bad conductor."

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack.*

(everyone on Titanic) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, the ship will sink!!!!

(person washing hands) I'm using the sink, wait your turn!!!!!

(all crew members laugh) Hahahhahahahahah.

A man walks into a bar and ends up with a concussion.

Maybe if he looked where he was going, he wouldn’t have hit that pole.

I would tell a 9/11 joke, but it would probably crash and burn.

Helicopter, helicopter, Kobe Bryant in my chopper, Sitting next to burning daughter, Lots of smoke and little laughter.

I usually tell jokes about Kobe, but they usually crash and burn.

A 10 year old girl meets with her doctor. The doctor tells her “Katie, I’m sorry to have to tell you that your parents didn’t survive the accident. Sadly, our tests also show that you have early onset Alzheimer’s disease.”

Katie replies “well at least my parents will look after me.”

Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms or legs.

What is long, yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.

Tonight, on Top Gear!

James May dives a bus full of kids off a mountain!

Richard Hammond starts WW3 in Germany!

And I fly a plane into the World Trade Center!

One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.

"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"

Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."

"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."

"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."

"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."

"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.

"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."

"Okay daddy!"

*long pause*

"Okay daddy! I did it!"

"Great job Sally! What did she say?"

"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."

Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"

"How was your day?"

"It was great."

"What was so great about it?"

"I saw a puppy."

"Awww."

"And I ran over it :)"

What's the difference between me and a bus?

I'm not on fire...

Michael Jackson was the King of Pop until he got burned by Pepsi. Now, Pepsi is the hero, and now, we know the rest of the story.

Why did I trip over your foot?

Because you were so short I couldn’t see you!

What's the difference between COVID and 9/11?

I've never heard of someone dying in a car accident, and the media blaming it on 9/11.