Accident Jokes

One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.

"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"

Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."

"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."

"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."

"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."

"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.

"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."

"Okay daddy!"

*long pause*

"Okay daddy! I did it!"

"Great job Sally! What did she say?"

"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."

Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"

What's the difference between me and a bus?

I'm not on fire...

"How was your day?"

"It was great."

"What was so great about it?"

"I saw a puppy."

"Awww."

"And I ran over it :)"

What type of pizza did the 9/11 victims order? Two planes.

Why did I trip over your foot?

Because you were so short I couldn’t see you!

Two men walk into a bar, no clue how they didn't see it.

My friend fell on the Nile river and Egypt last week.

He swears by it, but he’s in denial.

What's the difference between COVID and 9/11?

I've never heard of someone dying in a car accident, and the media blaming it on 9/11.

"Bill? Bill?" Bill hears faintly in the distance.

Bill Nye snapped back into reality only to find he had peed all over the set.

What’s got 4 wheels, does a barrel roll, and goes from green to red in seconds?

Kermit in a car crash.

Al Fayed’s son arrives at heaven’s gates and sees his driver.

He shouts “you stupid cunt!”

The driver says, “Watch, Boss?”

Dodi replies...:

“I said I WANT TO FUCK DI IN THE TUNNEL NOT FUCKING DIE IN THE TUNNEL!”

I wasn't close to my dad when he died.

Which was good, he died to a landmine.

They never told us Humpty was an egg. A man died then!

Today, me and my best friend went to the Grand Canyon. He was taking up all the space by the edge, and I told him to back up. R.I.P. to him.

People said that Kobe could fly so high, but that did not end well.

A Thai woman ran into a wall. What does she break?

Her boner.

What does an Asian say when his car tires burst on the highway?

"Some Ting Wheely Wong!"

I hit something when I pulled into my driveway.

And then I noticed that my cat was missing.

"Learn to fly a plane," they said. "It'll be fun," they said...

What did the fat guy say when he fell off the ladder? "Catch me!"