Accident jokes

I usually tell jokes about Kobe, but they usually crash and burn.

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

A conductor was conducting a song. At the end, he threw his conductor's stick and killed someone. He was put to the electric chair, but nothing happened. They asked why he didn't die, and he replied, "I'm a bad conductor."

What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice? Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.

A truck carrying Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours straight.

Why did the girl fall off the swing? Because she had no arms or legs.

What is long, yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.

One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.

"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"

Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."

"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."

"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."

"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."

"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.

"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."

"Okay daddy!"

*long pause*

"Okay daddy! I did it!"

"Great job Sally! What did she say?"

"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."

Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"

What's the difference between me and a bus?

I'm not on fire...

"How was your day?"

"It was great."

"What was so great about it?"

"I saw a puppy."

"Awww."

"And I ran over it :)"

What type of pizza did the 9/11 victims order? Two planes.

What were Paul Walker's last words?

I dk probably "WATCH THE FUCKING TREE!"

Kobe Bryant ain’t flying that well anymore.

"Bill? Bill?" Bill hears faintly in the distance.

Bill Nye snapped back into reality only to find he had peed all over the set.

They never told us Humpty was an egg. A man died then!

People said that Kobe could fly so high, but that did not end well.

We destroyed two boats, and they dropped the sun on us twice!

Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.

"Learn to fly a plane," they said. "It'll be fun," they said...

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking during a house fire.