Accident jokes

Connor pooped himself.

Why did the little boy cross the road multiple times? He stepped on an IED after being mutilated on a chopping block that was on fire with a table saw and multiple gallows which were infested with flaming termites with splotches of blood all over him from his eyes after they were squashed with a brick.

NWA: Straight Outta Compton.

Kobe Bryant: Straight Outta the Helicopter.

"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

If you were driving when all of a sudden a young kid and an old man run right in front of you, what do you hit?

The brakes, you sick bastard.

My school is on fire today, and I pushed a kid in a wheelchair down the stairs and shouted, "Hot Wheels!"

You were born on the freeway, you know why?

Because that's where a lot of accidents happen. 😈

Kobe: "Don't crash!"

Helicopter: *Crashes*

My grandpa killed 100 German soldiers; he was the worst German pilot ever.

What do you get when you cross a highway on a bike?

Run over.

Three men walk into heaven at the same time. They all live in the same city. God asks the first man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I have a heart condition, and I've been suspecting my wife of cheating for some time. Anyway, I get home from work and I see my wife on the bed and a man hanging off the balcony. I get so mad and stomp on the guy's fingers! He falls into a bush, so I throw a refrigerator on him." God asks the next man, "How did you die?" The man says, "I was cleaning the windows, and then this crazy man starts stomping on my fingers! Luckily, I fall safely in a bush! But then a refrigerator falls on me!" God asks the third man, and he says, "I was the one in the fridge!"

What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?

Paul Walker’s Porsche.

What is yellow but can't swim?

A school bus full of children.

Kobe was on fire before his death. He was on fire after too.

There was a little boy named Chris who was addicted to Roblox.

One day, his grandpa fell into a deep coma caused by a head injury.

One day, little Chris went to visit his poor grandpa. He brought his Windows 10 too, but it had no charge in it. After pulling out some wires and placing his into the wall, he started to hear a long beeping sound, but ignored it and continued to play Roblox. Chris's parents came and saw what had happened.

The dad then yelled, "You dumb f***, you killed my father!!!"

Then Chris said "Yeah. He was worth robucks, too."

So this guy thought he was funny by pissing on the floor and not in the urinal.

Later on, I guess some kid ran into the bathroom because, well, he probably had to go, but yeah, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the urinal, so all in all it was a pretty good prank on his part.

What fits neatly into a hole, slides nicely between breasts, and if used wrong could choke someone? A seatbelt.

Why are the 9/11 survivors the fastest readers in the world? Because they went down 109 stories in 10 seconds.

Me: *gets down on one knee*

Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!

Me: *falls over*

Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.