Accident jokes
I remember my grandfather's last words:
"Are you holding the ladder?"
Why did the old man fall into the well? He couldn't see that well.
Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.
I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.
Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.
It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.
My dad died the other day, but I was able to hear his last words: "Son, are you still holding the ladder?"
Why did Sally drop her ice cream?
Because she got hit by a bus.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"
What's black and at the top of the staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
One time, I took my wife to the doctors. My wife had a severe migraine and needed a medic. I waited for about 10 minutes.
The doctor walked out with my wife in a wheelchair. "Due to your wife's broken hip, she may never walk again," said the doctor. "She had a migraine," I said. "Oh, we know," said the doctor.
Why did Bob fall off the swing while playing? Because he had no arms.
Knock, knock. Who's there?
Not Bob.
I still remember my grandpa's last words, "Stop wobbling the ladder, you cunt!"
What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a Skoda?
Princess Di wouldn’t be seen dead in the back of a Skoda...
You know stairs, right? The dark... My there is something. I know that if you fall down the stairs, your balls will be crushed!
I would say fly high to Kobe, but obviously he didn't...
Q: What's yellow and floats?
A: A bus full of children.
Stephen Hawking died because he accidentally lost his bluetooth connection.
I wish that people would stop mailing jokes about Kobe Bryant. Guys, all they do is crash and burn!
A guy is bankrupt, so he gives his son a duck and tells him to go sell it for as much as he can. So the kid goes on the street to sell the duck. A prostitute walks by and says, "I'll fuck you for $10." The boy says, “I would, but I don't have any money.” She says, “Ok, I'll take the duck instead.” He says ok, so they go upstairs and fuck.
The prostitute says, “That’s the best sex I've ever had. I'll give you the duck back and we can do it again.” So they do and he gets the duck back. But when they go downstairs, the duck gets hit by a car. And the guy that hit the duck feels so bad that he gives the kid $25. So when he gets home, his father asks him why he looks so tired. The boy says, well, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $25 for a fucked up fuck.
Kobe Bryant and 9/11 are two things I don't joke about because when I do, they tend to crash and burn.
What did Kobe Bryant and Josef Vanicek have in common?
They both won a trophy at least once, Vanicek a 1x Stanley Cup champion with the Carolina Hurricanes, and they also both crashed and burned in a helicopter or airplane.