Accident jokes
I ran over my neighbor's cat last night, and I just want to say... that thing was fast! I had to run a red light to get it!
From now on, we’re gonna call shitting the bed an “Amber Alert.”
What do you get if a disabled person falls off a building? Mashed potatoes.
I still remember my grandpa's last words, "Stop wobbling the ladder, you cunt!"
They never told us Humpty was an egg. A man died then!
I was playing hide and seek at work the other day. Unfortunately, it ended with me in the hospital, though; ICU.
I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."
What do you call a bald person on fire?
A fried egg.
How do you name a disabled Asian?
Throw the wheelchair down the stairs.
Did you see the blind guy trip on a can?
He didn't either.
For Sale: Parachute. Used once, never opened, small stain.
A guy crashed his Ford SUV. He couldn't escape.
What is red, green, lies in a ditch, and is covered in cookie crumbs?
...A girl scout that got hit by a car.
Boy: Why is my sister named Rose?
Dad: Someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.
Boy: Okay, Dad.
Dad: No problem, Brick.
I was anonymous with the previous jokes. I will now go by "I can fly! *falls*."
What's black and white and red all over? A mime I hit with my car.
One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.
"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"
Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."
"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."
"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."
"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."
"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.
"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."
"Okay daddy!"
*long pause*
"Okay daddy! I did it!"
"Great job Sally! What did she say?"
"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."
Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"
Why did the accountant fall off his bicycle?
Because he lost his balance!
Sally jumped out a plane, she forgot her parachute!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally...
How did she die?
A bomb came down whilst falling through the sky.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
A bomb.
What do you call an orphan in a wheelchair running into fire?
Hot wheels.
What's worse than throwing a baby off a cliff?
Catching it with a pitchfork.