Accident jokes
My wife went to Niagara Falls and fell. She broke every bone in her body.
One year later, she recovered. She slipped on an orange peel and died.
What's the difference in Japanese Kamikaze and 9/11?
There is none, they both go up in flames.
Man: How tall is a penguin?
Bartender: About three foot, why?
Man: Oh shit, the Bible-bashing nuns! I fucking hit one!
Poor car.
Two kids walked into a bar. They were covered with blood. The bartender asked what happened.
The youngest said, "Well, we were trying to paint our basement, but we threw the babies too hard!"
What has 4 limbs and can make a sidewalk red? Me falling from a 20 story building.
A Lew runs into a wall, what does he break? His Nose.
A Mexican runs into a wall, what does he break? His lawn mower.
When a woman decides to abort, it is called a decision, but when I run my truck into a playground of kids, it is called murder.
Why did Sally get a black eye?
She tried to play patty cake!
What do you call an idiot who walks on the road when cars are coming?
Fresh roadkill.
One day I was eating a banana, and one my friend was eating in the balcony, so I threw my banana on his balcony. He stepped on it, so he got slipped, and one yogi was passing by me, so my friend's banana fell on his head, and he got a very nice shining half-eaten banana choti on his golden smooth head.
I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."
What’s heavy, black, and can’t swim?
Ted Kennedy’s Oldsmobile Delmont 88 with Mary Jo Kopechne trapped inside.
Why did Paul Walker regret turning in his test?
Because his grade went from 99 to 0 in less than a second.
My dad died in 9/11. He was such a good pilot.
A blond and her brunette friend were chatting about their boyfriends; the brunette goes on and on about how dirty her boyfriend is with her.
To not be outdone, the blond retorts:
"That's nothing! Once we were in the kitchen, I can't believe I didn't see it coming. One minute I turned, and he just got it all on my face! It was so thick and hard! It covered my mouth, my nose, my shoulders, and eyes. It even got in my hair, and when I looked up at him, all he could say was, 'Whoops! The flower went everywhere!'"
How did Helen Keller lose her arm? She tried to read the stop sign at 100 MPH.
What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?
A golfer goes *whack* "darn" and a skydiver goes "darn" *whack.*
What type of pizza did the 9/11 victims order? Two planes.
Getting hurt is a bone-breaking experience. It's such a spine-tingling event!
Two girls are at a play and are about to go on the stage.
Ally before the other girl goes on stage: Break a leg!
Rachel: Alright!
On stage, Rachel trips over a stand and breaks her leg.
Rachel calling backstage: I broke my leg!