Accident jokes
A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
What do you call plane crash victims?
Down to earth people.
So this one time I saw Sally trying to get up after she fell off the swing, and I helped her up and she said "Thank you," and I said, "You're welcome." The next day I saw her legs and someone said, "I would not do that," and I said, "Whatever." I tapped Sally, and the top halve fell. I said, "WHAT HAPPENED TO SALLY?" And someone said she went in a minefield.
A friend of mine chews gum, lays back to yawn, then chokes on the gum. Then I said, "God, what, you choking on dick?"
There was this intern that worked at an orphanage, and she burnt it down. Luckily, she doesn't have to tell her parents.
Why couldn't the penguin cross the road?
It was ran over. 🐧
What is it called when someone is in a wheelchair and in a fire?
Hot Wheels...
I would make a joke about Kobe, but I don't think it would fly very well.
How do you stop a baby from drowning?
-Lift up your foot.
My friend just got hit by a car and is now in a wheelchair. He is getting bullied, but I don’t understand why he just can’t stand up for himself.
Yo mama is so clumsy, when she had her first kickboxing lesson, she kicked herself in the testicles.
There was this boy. He had diarrhea, and he kept asking to go to the bathroom, but the teacher said no. Next thing you know, he pooped himself in front of the class.
I was arrested for eating too much crack on accident. How?
My sister came into my room shoving her ass in my face.
What do you get when you have a class of kids and a speeding car?
A 24 killstreak!
What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?
The sound when they hit the windshield.
Be grateful:
You're missing work today because in the past, someone cared enough to leave that banana peel on the stairs.
Go Kermit, toaster bath.
Race car backwards is race car.
Race car sideways is how Paul Walker died.
I still remember my grandpa's last words.
"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"
A Mexican runs into a wall, what hits first?
His lawnmower.