Accident jokes
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
I can't tell what's farther, the Great Wall of China, or how far Paul Walker flew out of his windshield.
Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
Today is sad. My sister got hit by a car, and I lost my license as a driver.
Why did the kid drop his ice cream cone?
He got ran over by a bus.
Jack and Jill went up the hill 'cause Jack took a Viagra.
Jill was drunk, fell to her knee, Jack had his chance, did Jill till 3.
Were you born on the side of the highway because that’s where all mistakes happen?
"What did we hit?"
"I don't know, a rock."
What’s got 4 wheels, does a barrel roll, and goes from green to red in seconds?
Kermit in a car crash.
Why are the 9/11 survivors the fastest readers in the world?
Because they went down 109 stories in 10 seconds.
I was playing laser tag with my ex, but I (wink) didn't realize I had a real gun.
Your mama is so fat that she doesn't get crushed by cars, she crushes cars and babies in strollers on the sidewalk when she falls and doesn't see any remains, so there is no evidence.
I asked my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her, "How did you do that?" but there was no response.
Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.
A girl and a boy were on a date. The boy kept farting. The girl asked, "What is wrong?!?". The boy replied, "Explosive diarrhea.". The girl said, "Ew".
The boy went to the bathroom, and the place exploded. The center of the explosion, the bathroom.
I left my boots on in the river, and I drowned.
Why did little Billy drop his ice cream?
He was hit by an ice cream truck.
So this guy thought he was funny by pissing on the floor and not in the urinal.
Later on, I guess some kid ran into the bathroom because, well, he probably had to go, but yeah, he slipped and fell and hit his head on the urinal, so all in all it was a pretty good prank on his part.
A man ate a glue stick. It tasted bad. He died. Hahahahah!
A plane is going to crash. There are four passengers and only three parachutes. All the staff are safe and are gone, leaving the passengers. Ryan Reynolds is the first. He says, "My fans need me," and jumps. Donald Trump takes another and says, "I am the smartest president," and jumps, leaving one. There is a pope and a boy left. The pope says, "Child, my life is over and yours has just begun, take the last parachute." The boy replies, "Don't worry - Donald took my backpack."