Accident jokes
What caused Captain Hook's death?
He accidentally used the wrong hand to wipe his ass.
doctor: you need to eat healthy.
me: no.
doctor: the last patient who didn't change their diet after I suggested it died.
me: oh my goodness.
doctor: in a plane crash.
me: that sounds unrelated.
doctor: I'm the one that crashed it. Do not disobey me!
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
I kicked my leg into my dad's balls in 1999.
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die.
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when.
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain.
Me: *gets down on one knee*
Girlfriend: OMG, it's finally happening!
Me: *falls over*
Girlfriend: The poison is kicking in.
What do you call a retard that got hit by a car? Mashed potatoes.
I pushed a kid in a wheelchair into a fire.
Now we call him hot wheels.
Why did Sally fall off the swing? She had no arms.
Why did Joe get hit by a bus? Sally was driving it.
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere!
John Kreese's forehead broke when silver hit 'em in the forehead.
I saw a helicopter on January 26, 2020. Then Kobe was on the news.
Did you see that car crash today where the guy got the entire left side of his body cut off?
He's all right now.
Q: What happens when an Asian with an erection walks into a wall?
A: He breaks his nose.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To cut through traffic.
The people in the tower ordered a pepperoni pizza, but all they got was a plane.
Why did the kid cross the road?
Because he wasn't wearing his seat belt! 😂
Why did the blind man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
Why can't you run with a pencil in the hallway? Because too many people got killed!
I ran into a kid today. Now I'm in jail and I lost my driver's license.
I kicked a soccer ball into a kid in a wheelchair, so we are playing Rocket League.