So Fred accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.
John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.
"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it, they can sew it back on."
After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is," handing the ear to John.
"That's not it," said John, throwing the ear back into the muddy ditch. "Mine had a pencil behind it!"
Why is my anus burning?
'Cause I sat on an open lighter, oh god, help!
Why did the man get run over?
Ur mom XD
I was riding my bike when I saw a man's head in the wheel. It was mine.
I was trying to hang the lights when I accidentally kicked the chair.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said "Fuck him, he's only an egg."
I masturbated by accident. I read the wrong thing And tested its factuality.
Well, it's been some good years now, haven't they? Being your own partner has never felt so together.
Why is Paul Walker a walker?
To let people know he isn't a driver.
When your little brother knocks your two Jenga towers you made with his toy airplane,
You: "Hey, stop trying to recreate the Twin Towers!"
Damn, that beat dropped harder than my grandma falling down the stairs.
What's the quickest way to go to the hospital? Just stand in the middle of a busy road.
What does Kobe now have in common with his helicopter?
They both have torn rotators.
A missile hit a hospital earlier this morning. Fortunately, no one was injured - but 100 were killed.
I thought it was polite to open the door for a lady, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane.
What’s the difference between a Mercedes and a Skoda?
Princess Di wouldn’t be seen dead in the back of a Skoda...
What were the astronauts' last words before the shuttle blew up?
"What does this button do...?"
A Scouser at ground zero just after the twin towers fell asks a passer-by, "What time is it, mate?"
An American replies, "That's a mad accent, where are you from?"
The Scouser says, "Liverpool."
The American says, "Oh, what state is that in?"
The Scouser looks around and says, "About the same state as this, mate, but what time is it?"
My great uncle died in a concentration camp.
He fell off one of the guard towers.
I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!
Yo mama is so pretty, she could get in a car crash because boys are staring at her.
