What is black and at the top of a staircase?
Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.
And my driver's license got revoked too.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.
If your sister steps on your toe, what will you call it?
Why did the child cross the road?
Because he didn’t wear a seatbelt.
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
Why did the man fall into a well? He couldn’t see that well.
I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!
My heart broke as I went down the stairs, and my girlfriend broke her heart.
What do you get if a disabled person falls off a building? Mashed potatoes.
"Learn to fly a plane," they said. "It'll be fun," they said...
Were you bought on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.
Bro, the airplanes that crashed, darn it, they got MVP!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jill fell down and Jack came tumbling down after.
(And you thought this would be a joke.)
I saw a helicopter fly. Next minute, I knew Kobe was on the news.
My wife told me to treat her like a princess, so I got drunk and drove through the tunnel.
What has 4 limbs and can make a sidewalk red? Me falling from a 20 story building.
What did the fat guy say when he fell off the ladder? "Catch me!"
911 what's your emergency?
"Burning in toaster."
"Toast?"
"Yeah so your calling 911 because of burnt toast?"
"Set fire to my forest!"
I hate jokes about 9/11... every joke has the tendency to crash and burn.
"I didn't get the joke at first, but then it hit me like a plane," the joke was so dark a cop almost shot it.
