They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.
Did you know that Stephen Hawking's death was an accident because he pressed "shut down" instead of "sleep mode?"
What mistake did the manager of the Twin Towers make?
He replaced all the window cleaners with 2 commercial jets.
When Peter Pan jumped off the Twin Towers, what happened? He Neverland.
Mom told me to get more in touch with my feminine side. So, I crashed the car.
The 911 people really didn't scramble fast enough, so they got folded like an omelet.
When you accidentally wipe a little too hard and your finger goes up your bumhole, triggering flashbacks of when you were 10 and your uncle stayed a few weeks. š
What is black and at the top of a staircase?
Stephen Hawking after a house fire.
I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.
And my driver's license got revoked too.
What is white, then red, and is very fast?
My chainsaw blade.
If your sister steps on your toe, what will you call it?
Why did the child cross the road?
Because he didnāt wear a seatbelt.
Two women, Jane and Emma, are in the afterlife waiting for judgement.
Emma turns to Jane and says, "I'm just curious, but how did you die?"
Jane replies with, "I burnt to death."
Emma, shocked, responds with, "That sounds horrible! What was it like?"
Jane answers with, "It first felt really hot and painful, but then I felt nothing. How did you die?"
Emma replies with, "Well, I believed my husband was cheating on me. I decided to leave work early one day to make sure he was loyal. I found him on the phone with his mother. I thought he was hiding something from me so I ran to the bedroom and found nothing. Then I sprinted to the kitchen and didn't find anything. I then jolted outside to the backyard and just found that he hadn't cleaned the pool. I was so tired from running that I fell over into the pool and drowned."
Jane retorts with, "Well if you checked the oven neither of us would be here right now."
Why did the man fall into a well? He couldnāt see that well.
I was riding a bike with no helmet. I went and went with no helmet until... I broke my head with no helmet on!
My heart broke as I went down the stairs, and my girlfriend broke her heart.
What do you get if a disabled person falls off a building? Mashed potatoes.
"Learn to fly a plane," they said. "It'll be fun," they said...
Were you bought on a highway? Because that's where most accidents happen.
Bro, the airplanes that crashed, darn it, they got MVP!
