I was telling the emo kid emo jokes, and I couldn’t read them because I was laughing too hard. I almost cut the emo kid. He wasn’t laughing at the jokes.
Been getting a lot of paper cuts on my fingers lately, I guess it's a sign I should go lower.
Hairline got cut by a broken teacup.
When Kobe's pilot hit the mountain, he said, "Kobe."
I didn't mean to call an Afghanistan hotline. I told them I was depressed, then they asked if I know how to drive a truck. I don't know how that has anything to do with it!
What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen Hawking during a house fire.
You call it suicide. I call it a failed parkour attempt.
Kaj je pomaranča rekla, ko jo je povozil avto?
Your Mom so fat that she went on to commit suicide, but the roof fell off.....
Did you hear that nursing homes keep returning the new Paul Walkers?
They let the elderly move fast, but then burst into flames and burn the patients alive.
Say what you want about Paul Walker, but he was a smart guy.
You can tell by the quantity of brain matter on his dashboard.
People said that Kobe could fly so high, but that did not end well.
I took my son to a driver's school and am surprised because he got his license but soon lost the privilege to drive a car because he ran over my ex on "accident."
(I gotta go pay him out of jail!)
Scratches on an icy road and kills 50 people on the bus, and when they get to Heaven, God feels so bad for them and grants them all one wish.
The first lady in the line was always worried about her looks, so she wished to be beautiful, and the guy behind her couldn’t think of what to wish about, so he also wished to be beautiful. This kept on going, but the guy at the end of the line started to laugh. When he got to God, God says, “What is your one wish, my son?” He said, “I wish you can make them all ugly again.”
My dad said not to touch this thingy called a gun, but I looked down that pole and pressed that thing, and now I'm in heaven.
Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
There was a plane crash. The pilot's names were Captain Sum Ting Wong, Wi Tu Lo, Ho Lee Fuk, and Bang Ding Ow.
I still remember my dad's last words, "You c***! You let the ladder go, you cuuunt!"
Smack! He hit the ground and bled out.
What's the worst part about burning your vegetables before dinner?
Explaining what happened to the nursing home while you're hungry.
You were born on a highway in a car crash, I wonder why.
