Accident jokes
There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."
Famous last words:
"Don't worry man, it's not even loaded."
Why did Paul Walker drown?
Because he was too busy carpooling.
My sister got in a car crash a couple days ago. When she got to the hospital, the doctor told her that she needed to get metal mechanics in her leg.
She got really scared and yelled at the doctor, telling them that, “I will not get those implanted in my leg.” I guess she just doesn’t associate with knee gears.
A man walks into a bar... Oww!
I was arrested for eating too much crack on accident. How?
My sister came into my room shoving her ass in my face.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It wasn't in its car seat.
Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.
Why did the little girl's ice cream melt?
She was on fire.
What is the best way to catch a baby from falling off the roof?
With a pitchfork.
A man walked into a bar... He got seven stitches.
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...
Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”
Three men walk into a bar. You would think the 3rd one would have ducked! 😅
Why couldn't the penguin cross the road?
It was ran over. 🐧
What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses.
Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.
They say that bad things happen to good people.
So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?