Accident jokes
A guy goes onto a rooftop bar and is sitting next to a guy who says he’s drinking a magical drink. He asks, “What’s so magical about it?” The guy drives a car and flies it around the rooftop. The other tries, but falls off and dies.
The bartender shakes his head and says, “Y’know, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk, Superman.”
I was riding my bike down the road!
When a car started coming, I started running.
It put me in a crash with my elbow through my ass! ;)
A 6-year-old girl decides to get baptized. She walks into the water of the river. Unfortunately, the pastor was drunk. The pastor put her in the water and dunked her under. The drunken man then forgot to bring her up from the water. The poor girl drowned and died...
Later on, when the pastor was better and thrown in jail, all he had to say to the mortified family was, “Well, at least she’s in heaven!”
Three men walk into a bar. You would think the 3rd one would have ducked! 😅
Why couldn't the penguin cross the road?
It was ran over. 🐧
What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses.
Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.
They say that bad things happen to good people.
So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?
Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.
Did you hear about Hellen Keller falling down the well?
She screamed her little fingers off.
One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.
"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"
Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."
"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."
"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."
"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."
"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.
"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."
"Okay daddy!"
*long pause*
"Okay daddy! I did it!"
"Great job Sally! What did she say?"
"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."
Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"
Why did Timmy fall down the stairs?
Because he fell off his wheelchair.
A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.
My Butterfingers slipped.
So Paul Walker made a rap cover. It is called "Straight Out of Windshield."
I had the best butterfingers yesterday.
I dropped it.
When Stephen Hawking falls, who does he call, the ambulance or the technician?
A robber robbed a bank and ran into the road and got hit by a car.
The cops said to him, "That's CARma for you!"
I saw a yellow bus and I knew that some-ting was wrong.
The bus was white.