Accident Jokes

They say that bad things happen to good people.

So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.

Did you hear about Hellen Keller falling down the well?

She screamed her little fingers off.

One day, little Sally hears the phone ringing. She picks it up.

"Hello, this is daddy, Sally. Is your mom nearby?"

Sally says, "No, she's upstairs with Uncle John."

"Uncle John? I don't know an Uncle John."

"No, no, no, you must be mistaken, daddy."

"No, I'm sure there's no one named Uncle John in our family."

"Okay, but why did you call?" Says Sally.

"Ummm, no reason, just tell mommy that daddy's pulling into the driveway right now."

"Okay daddy!"

*long pause*

"Okay daddy! I did it!"

"Great job Sally! What did she say?"

"Mommy said OH FU.. and then she ran around with no clothes on and tripped on the carpet and hit her head on the bookshelf. She's now resting it looks like... then Uncle John screams and jumps out the window into the swimming pool, but of course we took all the water out this winter..."

Then dad replies "Swimming pool? We don't have a... is this 468-1843?"

Why did Timmy fall down the stairs?

Because he fell off his wheelchair.

A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.

My Butterfingers slipped.

So Paul Walker made a rap cover. It is called "Straight Out of Windshield."

I had the best butterfingers yesterday.

I dropped it.

When Stephen Hawking falls, who does he call, the ambulance or the technician?

A robber robbed a bank and ran into the road and got hit by a car.

The cops said to him, "That's CARma for you!"

I saw a yellow bus and I knew that some-ting was wrong.

The bus was white.

I saw a cyclist in the road today, so I ran over him and he said in a robotic voice, "SHUTTING DOWN!"

Race car backwards is race car.

Race car sideways is how Paul Walker died.

What were Princess Diana's last words?

Have you been Dri...?

What was the one word that could have saved Princess Diana's life?

Taxi.

What's the worst part about hearing a special needs kid getting hit by a car?

Having to listen to the wheelchair scraping for a mile and a half.

Me and my friend were duck hunting.

He shot 5 ducks in one shot. Then he shot by accident and yelled "DUCK!" then "MOTHERDUCKER!" Then ducks came down and one by one bit him.

Why did Princess Di cross the road?

Momentum.