Overall, I'd say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.
I tell short people to reach for the stars
They are always a bit short of reach
What did the plane say to the tower? ''Yo can I crash at your place for a bit and can my boy crash at your boys place
Healthcare these days is a bit of an Obamanation.
Susie was in her mother's room one night. As her mother was getting ready for bed. She had slipped off her blouse, her boobs plum and perky. Susie had asked what are those and will i get them? Her mother had said they were boobs and she would grow some in a few year's. Her mother told susie to find her father and say goodnight. So susie left, headed down the hall to the bathroom where her father was showering . Susie knocked on the door, he said come in. He had moved the shower curtain over just a bit. Susie said she loved him, and then seen her father's dick. Shocked, susie asked her father what that was and if she would get one. Her father said it was a dick, he said susie would get it after her mother went to bed .
Stephen Hawking was a bit of a hardcase. He didn't let people push him around.
To avoid getting drafted, a young man slips into a nunnery to hide from some draft board agents who are after him. Desperate, he approaches a nun and asks her to hide him. “Get under my robes,” says the nun. “No one will look for you there.” The nun lifts up her robes and the man says, “Hey, that’s a fine pair of legs you have there, sister.” “Yeah, well if you look a bit higher you’ll see a fine set of balls,” replies the nun. “I didn't want to get drafted either.”
A man decides on a day that it is time to buy a pet. He goes to the pet store, looks around and sees a beautiful parrot, sitting quietly on a stick in his cage. Yet the beast has no feet and paws. "What is the matter with you?" the man thinks aloud. "Well, that's how I was born, I'm actually a faulty parrot" says the bird. "Haha," the man laughs, "it seems like that parrot understands what I'm saying and even answers!" "I understand everything you say, I am extremely intelligent and very well educated," says the bird. "Well, if you're so smart then tell me how you can stay on your stick without legs." "Well," says the parrot, "it's a bit embarrassing, but okay, I wrap my little parrot penis around the stick, like a hook, but I hide that with my thick feathers." "Wow, you really understand everything I say, do not you?" "Yes, yes," replies the bird, "and I speak Spanish and English fluently, I can speak on a level about almost everything, politics, religion, sport and philosophy and I specialize in bird science, you should buy me, I am also a very good friend for you. " The man looks at the price tag, 200 euros is on it. "Sorry, I can not afford that." "Psst," whispers the parrot as he beckons the man with his wing closer. "Nobody wants me because I do not have legs, just bid 25 euros and you can take me with you." The man offers 25 euros and walks 5 minutes later with the parrot out of the store. A few weeks pass. The parrot is sensational. He is fun and interesting, gives good advice, is sympathetic to everyone, in short; the perfect roommate and friend. One day the man comes home from work and the parrot says "Pssssssssssst" while he beckons his wing again. The man comes close to the cage. "I do not know if I should tell you this," says the parrot, "but it's about your wife and the postman." "What!?" says the man. "Well, the postman came to the door and your wife greeted him in a nothing disguised nightgown and kissed him flat on the mouth." "And then," the man hisses, "What happened then?" "Well, the postman came in, grabbed her nightgown and started caressing her everywhere." "My God," says the now furious man, "And what else did they do?" "Then he took off her nightgown, went through his knees and started to lick her everywhere, starting at her breasts and getting further and further down." "And then, what happened, what else did they do?" the man screams . "No idea," says the papgaai, "I got a boner and thundered off my stick ..."
Paddys beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married . The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help . Being a bit of a cheapo , he decides not to buy a fan , but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act . After half an hour, still no sign of success so his mate suggests swapping places . ' I'll have a try Paddy , you waft the towel ' Paddy agrees , and after two or three minutes Paddys wife has a moment of sexual pleasure screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years . Paddy taps his mate Mick on teh shoulder and says 'And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel' !
There was a guy I knew who owned a foot high piano player? He had found a magic lamp and rubbed it. The genie popped out and gave him one wish. The guy thinks the genie was a bit deaf as all he got was a 12 pianist.
A husband came back from business trip and found out that she was pregnant at first he got a bit suspicious but then he just ignore And hugs his wife with happiness the second when he meet his friend and tell him the news the friend just said " wait what I thought she was on pill"
8 bit: Are you ok 7 bit: Yes, I’m just a bit off...
Get it? 8 bits = a byte :)
I ask my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her how did you do that but there was no response.
diabetic wives are like cillit bang. squeeze them a bit and bang! the bed is gone
My diet consists of Blood Pudding, I love it and have it for breakfast, lunch and dinner, my secret ingredient though?
It consists of the blood and insides of my victims, it’s a bit chunky sometimes, some bits chewy, some bits hard
But it’s a hearty meal
Instead of walking through the door, the owner of the house broke in through the window. When he came out, a man standing on the sidewalk walked up to him and asked why he hadn't just walked through the door. The owner responded, "I'm pollo vegetarian, and I really just wanted a bit of food." When the man looked confused, the owner said; "Windows are nature's vending machine."
One afternoon, a man was walking to a bar after work. Across the street, an Irish nun stood there waving her arms at the man. "Look at this poor drunkard! The Lord does not love him! He will be sent to Hell!" the nun shouted. The man walked over to the nun. "Hey! I had a hard day at work! I was going to get ONE beer! Have you ever even tried a drink before?" the man asked. The nun looked down and shook her head. "Well, if you tried it, you would probably like it! Would you want to try something?" the man asked. The nun replied, "Okay, only one thing." "What would you like?" asked the man. He offered her beer and whiskey, but she declined. "How about a little gin?" the man concluded. "Okay, sure. But, can you ask them to put it in a mug so people don't see what I'm drinking?" asked the nun. "Fine," the man walks into the bar and waves to the bartender. "Hey, can I have a bottle of beer and a bit of gin? Also, can that be in a mug?" asked the man. The bartender looked up, with fury in his eyes. "Don't tell me that damn nun is out there again!" the bartender said.
john walk into pat at the barn he was dancing nacked in front of a tractor john said hey pat what you doing pat said well me and the wife have been having a bit of trouble in bed so I went to a therapist and he said I should do something sexy to a tractor (attract her)
what do orphans call a holiday
a bit of soil and some leaves as a blanket
Pedophile: You dropped your candy. Girl: Thanks! Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy. Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one? Girl: How far is your house? Pedophile: Its that white one right over there. Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster? Pedophile: Yep its that one. Girl:.... Sure! :P Audience:.........Dumbass girl.
