Worst Jokes Ever

Who were the fastest runners ever? Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.

I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."

Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"

Girl: "Dude, this is a library."

Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Who's the fastest reader?

Me, 'cause I'll be jumping off so many stories.

So my friend and I went camping at a Cold Lake Campground and he jumped into it without any warning, and so I asked him, "Wat-er you doing?"

My penis is too big for my dad to suck it, so my mum sucks it instead.

I saw a man trying to rape a girl. I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against both of us.

Chimmy: (smoking because of fireplace)

Chimmy2: You're too young to smoke.

What is the best cure for aging?

Suicide.

Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do?

A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!

What is the difference between a snow woman and a snowman?

Snowballs.

Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.

What do you call a Mexican midget?

A paragraph, because he's not a full essay.

How do you get a one-armed man out of a tree?

You wave at him.

Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?

What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?

They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.

What do you call a candle in armor?

A knight light.

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

Man: "Is your body from McDonald's?"

Woman: "Why, because you're loving it?"

Man: "No, because it's fat and greasy."