Worst Jokes Ever
A blind man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bartender replies with, "I'm blonde, the man working next to me is blonde, the woman next to you is blonde, and the fat guy behind you is blonde." Then says, "Do you really wanna tell the blonde joke?" The blind guy responds with, "No, I don't wanna tell it that many times."
Who were the fastest runners ever? Adam and Eve. They were first in the human race.
I was with my blind friend, and he's telling me, "Yeah, I can read braille." So I hand him a Lego brick and ask him to read it. Apparently, Lego has been hiding a dark secret from us for years; as all their bricks read, "Screw you, asshole."
Me: (pointing up in the air) "Everybody listen up, this is a robbery!"
Girl: "Dude, this is a library."
Me: "Oh." (screwing on a silencer)
I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Who's the fastest reader?
Me, 'cause I'll be jumping off so many stories.
So my friend and I went camping at a Cold Lake Campground and he jumped into it without any warning, and so I asked him, "Wat-er you doing?"
I saw a man trying to rape a girl. I decided to help. She didn't stand a chance against both of us.
Chimmy: (smoking because of fireplace)
Chimmy2: You're too young to smoke.
What is the best cure for aging?
Suicide.
Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do?
A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!
What is the difference between a snow woman and a snowman?
Snowballs.
Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.
What do you call a Mexican midget?
A paragraph, because he's not a full essay.
Can orphans eat at a family restaurant?
What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?
They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light.
Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"
Man: "Is your body from McDonald's?"
Woman: "Why, because you're loving it?"
Man: "No, because it's fat and greasy."
Stephen Hawking died because he accidentally lost his bluetooth connection.