Your momma is so fat, she can't even go skinny dipping.
Worst Jokes Ever
Last Christmas, I took a picture of your mom.
It's still printing.
Why is the cheetah so fast?
Because it can't walk slow.
What did the horse say when his throat was sore?
I have a hoarse throat!
If 7 8 9, why was 10 scared?
Because he was between 9 11.
Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?
The other day my girlfriend asked me to hand her the red lipstick, so I handed her the dog.
What did Darth Trump Vader say to evil emperor Putin?
Yessssss, MEaster!
A man needs to leave for a lengthy business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts, “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cashier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box, and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands; it is far too powerful to be moved by hand,” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home.
Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout, “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it out. The wife panics and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims, “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina, and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass!” The Voodoo Dick then flies out of the woman's vagina and inside the officer's ass. The officer says, “WHAT THE HELL! GET THIS THING OUT OF MY ASSHOLE!” The woman laughs and replies, “Thanks, officer,” and turns around and goes home.
I said "Uranus!" and the girl beside me face-palmed. I wonder what I did wrong?
What do cannibals think when they see a pregnant woman?
"Kinder Egg surprise."
Why did Steven Hawking only tell one-liners?
Because he couldn't do standup.
Why was the sand wet? Because the sea weed!
Depressed people have beautiful smiles. Okay, it's not a joke for normal people, but it's a joke for us.
I liked the chocolate mousse cake joke.
"Hey man, what’s your name? Oh, my name is... Do your balls hang low? Can you swing it to and fro? Can you tie it in a knot? Can you tie it in a bow?"
What did a skeleton say when he's alone?
"I'm so bonely..."
Welcome to David's Morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!
My grief counselor died today. He did such a great job. I don't even care.
One day, I love you.