A man walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia.
The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you!"
Worst Jokes Ever
Why can't a T-Rex clap?
Because they're dead :/
Why did the turtle start flying? He was on a jet.
I would invite you to play baseball, but there's no home for you to run to.
What is something that makes you wish you were dead, rips your skin off, is small, can wear you out in two seconds, betray you in any way possible, and can eat you alive?
Kid's.
My arms are just a different texture pack compared to my body.
Me lol.
My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...
In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.
Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."
Why couldn't the orphan have the bag of chips?
It was family size.
Why is being alive so expensive? I'm not even having a good time.
What’s Stephen Hawking’s favorite food?
His left shoulder.
Say "crack my finger" backwards.
I caught my wife cheating on me.
I beat my son and grounded him.
What does an orphan and a dog have in common?
Both got taken from their parents.
What is the difference between Jesus and the devil?
When the devil came to Earth, he was the one with the nail gun.
If you hit 9999 orphans and they all tell each other, are the other orphans their parents???
Where did Suzy go during the bombing?
Everywhere.
"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"
What's the difference between 8 and 9? When you have the 9, everyone wants to be your friend.
