Worst Jokes Ever
After standing in line staring at McDonald's menu for 17 minutes,
Me: "Okay, I'm ready. Can you help me not be sad all the time?"
[concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.
I'm great!! I'm good. I'm doing good hahaha. I mean "well" haha! Haha I'm doing well, not good! Haha I'm not doing good! I'm not doing so good.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, can you just finish me off already?
All I wanna do is *gunshots* *gunshots* *gunshots* and *click* *cash register noise*, unlearn years of trauma and maintain healthy habits and fulfilling relationships while learning how to have solid boundaries and a whole sense of self.
Therapy - Expensive - Years of hard work - Emotionally draining - Tough to find
Screaming in the woods - Free - Immediate relief - Scares hunters enough to leave, therefore saving innocent animals - Potential to make friends with people who are also screaming in the woods.
Therapist: And what is it about this generation that bothers you?
Satan: I give them the intro tour and they just say shit like "ooo spooky lol."
Therapist: That's not so bad.
Satan: When I showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said "big mood."
Me: And this is the room I cry in.
Date: You've said that about every room.
Me: Correct!
I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t feel like screaming.
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
"Beat it. We’re closed."
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Don't be stupid, feminists can't change anything.
Suicide is as easy as my ex-wife.
Today my ex got hit by a bus.
I also lost my job as a bus driver.
What's the depressed person's favorite song?
Van Halen - Jump
What do the Nicaraguan Contras, Crips, and Crack have in common? The CIA.
The IRS hates when you don't have to pay your taxes with this one mind-blowing trick.
What happened after Technoblade died?
Everyone got raw pork chop.
Why did my dad cross the road?
To get to the nearest building so he wouldn't die in the crippling smoke of the most terrifying and only terrorist attack on American soil.
Why were her hands purple?
She heard it through the grapevine.