Yours jokes

Remember kids, when you're angry, burn down an orphanage. Then they'll really be living the hard knock life.

Where do you buy a dishwasher?

Hot singles in your area.

911, what's your emergency?

Me: My grandma just passed out in the living room and I think she's dead.

Well, it's not a living room anymore.

Me: Hangs up.

You're so poor you wash paper plates.

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again, and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."

This went on a couple of times, and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so mad at Dad! I fell in love with six girls, but I can't date any of them because Daddy is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says:

"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your father!"

Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:

The guy says, "I'm a fireman."

The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"

The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."

The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"

The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

Your mama is so fat, One Punch Man had to punch twice.

There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.

Q: How do you know a wishing well works?

A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.

Girls are like math, if they're under 10, use your fingers.

Your hairline goes so far back my history teacher was surprised.

People be like: "What happened to Fruit Ninja? It was on your phone."

Me: "I upgraded, now I can play on my pro max thigh/wrists."

Teacher: I was an orphan once.

Student: Oof.

Teacher: Who are we missing?

Student: Your parents.

If you're going to be a smart ass, you have to be smart, or you're just an ass.

Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."

Gf: "I luv u too."

Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."

Gf: "Ah, about that..."

A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

There was this girl on the street that had no arms and no legs. She looked at me and said, “Hey sir, I’ve never been fucked before, will you fuck me?” So I threw her in the ocean and said, “Well, you’re fucked now.”

What do women and pools have in common?

They both cost a lot of money to maintain for the amount of time you’re inside of them.

Roses are red, violets are blue, you have a big forehead, and your hairline recedes too.