Yours jokes
Does your cat scratch you?
Yeah, I need [to] give him payback, but now he won't respond.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "May I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
"I hear you asking, 'What's your favorite instrument?' The Trombone."
Your dad must be a mailman.
He: I'm Nike, and you're McDonalds.
She: Why?
He: 'Cause I'm doing it, and you're loving it. :)
Your head looks like a joke.
People say your body is 75% water, while mine [is] 100% full of coffee.
My dog got mad at me for touching his toy. He said, "Get your paws off my toy!"
How can you help a llama on holiday?
Alpaca your bags.
A dog talks to another dog and says,
"Wow, you're a hot dog!"
A: What's the difference between a toilet and a washing basin?
B: I don't know.
A: Then I guess your house looks beautiful...
B: ...
What’s the difference between depression and your ex?
Depression fucks you harder.
Blessed Brian, your secrets are safe with me... because I wasn’t listening when you told them.
What did the rapper say to his broken pencil?
"You're just not SHARP enough for my lyrics!"
"Mhm... So you're gay?" -Darling
I don't get people who treat you like shit and cross your boundaries, then are surprised when you have depression.
It's because of them after all. 🥰✨️
Everyone: "Wow, you're so nice and perfect! Your life must be great!"
*Reality of having depression* Me: "Oh yeah, I guess. 😀"
What happens after you eat at a combination Chinese-German restaurant?
An hour later, you're hungry—for power!
Putin: You came from the West and showered me with gifts.
Trump: And your prostitutes, they showered me with piss.
What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.