Yours jokes

How to get rid of your depression:

1. Stop self-pitying.

2. Realize you can't.

3. Fucking deal with it.

You're welcome.

How do you know your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.

I like your cut, G.

*Slaps really hard*

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

I saw a kid sitting on the side and asked if he was an orphan, “what gave me away?” “Well, your parents, for a start.”

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? You slap her on the ass and tell her to get back to work.

A suicidal customer walks into a gun store.

Cashier: Is this your final purchase?

Customer: Actually, yes it is!

What's the difference between your birth and 9/11?

One was planned.

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." "What do you expect?" he says, "You're in a fucking wheelchair!"

A young boy is stood on the top of a cliff crying. A priest approaches and says, "Why are you crying my son?" "My parents just crashed the car off the cliff and died." "It's just not your day today is it?" Said the priest, unbuttoning his flies.

Your hairline's so ugly it made Michael Jackson lean back.

I said I was going to my flat. I really meant your girl.

Your hairline is so far back that not even God knows about it.

@ the N-word of your dreams, why you not say nun on the fuckin community? You should talk on ther my g.

Are you sure your father isn't a thief?

Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

If your eyes were the sea, I would drown in them.

You are recently injured because of your job as a driving instructor, so you couldn't go on vacation with your friends.

Your friends tell you that they have an Asian pilot.

You realize, "They have a -1% survival rate!"

What’s the difference between depression and your ex?

Depression fucks you harder.

Imagine there’s a funny joke here. Imagine it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you’re schizophrenic.

Imagine there's a funny joke here... imagined it? Great! Now check yourself into an insane asylum because you're schizophrenic.

I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.