You're

You're jokes

Self Harm

    • I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.

    When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"

    I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."

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    • Blonde

    • Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

    So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

    You're memes

    Psychiatrist

    • A guy goes to see his psychiatrist dressed only in bubble wrap. When he gets there, he asked the psych, "Can you please help me?"

    The psych says, "No, I'm sorry, I can clearly see your nuts."

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    • School Shooter

    • I swear, in America, one school shooter can take good care of hundreds of kids, but hundreds of soldiers can't even win a war. Might as well send all your school shooters over there.

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    • Abortion

    • In some places in the world, you can't get an abortion even after rape. That's so fucked up.

    You serve your time, you get out, and you STILL have to pay child support. What a nightmare.

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    • Incest

    • So, a daughter goes to her dad and says, "Daddy, can I borrow the car?" He then tells her, "You know what to do." So then she proceeds to suck him off, almost immediately pulls out in disgust, and says, "Ugh, tastes like shit." Her dad then said, "Damn, I forgot your brother took the car."

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    • Puberty

    • God: Ok, so I created adults. And I created how they are supposed to look from being born to preteen.

    Satan: (slides in) I’ll take over for you, pops.

    God: I dunno... this is very delicate work. Just one wrong thing can ruin the system.

    Satan: Don’t worry your beard off! (Pats his back) I’ll just do the ages from 12 to 18!

    God: Hmm... I’m still not- (Gets a call on his phone) Shoot, I got to take this. (Answers call) Don’t touch anything, Lucifer! (Walks away)

    Satan:.......(just touches lightly, and alarms start blaring. He squeaks and runs away)

    God: (rushes in) WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO?!?!

    God: (tries fixing problems. Only gets alarms off) Fuck me........

    God:....(sighs) Fine, it’ll stay. We’ll just call it....puberty.

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    • Tequila

    • A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

    The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

    The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”

    The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

    The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

    The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!

    The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

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    • Wife

    • Two husbands walk into a bar.

    The first one says, "My wife is an angel."

    The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

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