You're jokes

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."

Teacher: Your bag is heavy, what's in there?

Weird Kid: Magazines.

A man walks up to a priest. The man says, "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says, "No, you are not my son." The man says, "Follow me." The man walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back!"

I heard an Uber from your eyebrows to your hairline is like $40.

I would roast you, but your mirror does it every time you look into it.

What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.

Police: Where do you live?

Me: With my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live?

Me: With me.

Police: Where do you all live?

Me: Together.

Police: Where is your house?

Me: Next to my neighbor.

Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?

Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me.

Police: Tell me.

Me: Next to my house.

"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."

What's worse than locking your keys in the car in front of an abortion clinic?

Having to go back inside and ask to borrow a hanger.

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.

This boy was in school one day when he became desperate to go to the bathroom.

So he asked the teacher, "May I use the bathroom?"

The teacher replied, "No, not unless you say your alphabet."

So the boy said "a b c d e f g h i j k l m n o q r s t u v w x y z."

When he finished, the teacher asked him, "Where's the p?"

The boy replied, "Half way down my leg..."

You're at your girlfriend's house for a family dinner. Your GF says, "Daddy, please pass me the salt," when you and her father begin to reach for the salt.

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

Your hairline shape is so badly shaped like a M, me and my friends thought it was McDonald's.

When you’re hiding from the school shooter next to people who made fun of you for having an Android: “HEY SIRI”

Hey Siri, where is my dad?

Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

HAH, jokes on you! My dad’s in the kitchen!

Your mom’s husband is in the kitchen, your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas.

...WhAT-

Your mama so fat, when she asked for a water bed they put a blanket over the Pacific Ocean.

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No," said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough."

The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johhny. "Then you're not old enough," his grandpa replied.

The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself."

On Xbox Live, an orphan can say "they f-ed your mom," so you can say, "at least mine didn't die from it."

You're so flat, you make pancakes look thiccc.